Robert Palmer – a singer from that wonderful era of music called the ’80s – sang about all the tale tell signs of being addicted to love: can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t focus on anything but that other person…”might as well face it you are addicted to love.” He sang it with such conviction, like it was a good thing to be addicted to another person. I am wondering if anyone ever told Robert that this type of “love” was not such a good idea if you are looking to really form an intimate bond with another human of the opposite sex…especially one that is going to go the distance.
For this is exactly what I have been learning the last two weeks as I started my 2nd phase of my Life Skills class (one that I just found out is more like 2.5 years after all the breaks we take – ikes!). I have to admit that for the entire 2 hours of class last week as we read about the signs of the different types of Love addictions (Sex, Relationship, Romance) and explored the implications these addictions have on one’s life by watching an old Geraldo talk show (double ikes!) – I was horrified by what I heard and saw. One man talking about having to have sex with 3 women a day…and his addiction to sex led him to become a sexual anorexic (I’ll let you go look that one up). Another man decided that he and his wife needed to have a more open relationship…and his addiction led him lower and lower until he realized the horrible results sitting in front of a plastic window watching a “dancer” and feeling so empty. The other man was a romance and sex addict, not as extreme as the first guy with 3 a day…but still his addictions ruled his life at some point.
So you can see why I was a little disgusted at all this, right? Wouldn’t you be? I was sitting there thinking, “What in the world does this have to do with me? I never was never in relationships before I met my husband…and I certainly didn’t play the field in any other way. No, this topic is definitely NOT for me…” I found myself wondering if I no longer belonged in Life Skills. Seriously, as I sat at the end of class last week I was contemplating not returning – or at least for the rest of this module about Love addictions…for while I know I love my chick flicks…I am certainly not addicted to love. Right?
Well, if you have ever done any healing type of classes – you know that when you are REALLY REALLY resistant to hearing something that maybe, just maybe it is because it is hitting too close to home. Just maybe. So, as I left that night, all fumed about this topic…I decided to take another look at the material I had heard and pray for God to bring to light what He would wish I would see.
Okay – let’s stop here…no really, you don’t want to know about this do you? Oh, you do do you? Why? Because you want to know if I am some sick love addicted child? Well, yes, I have discovered my addiction…but as always – I pray that you will use the following information to analyze your own life and to see if you see any similarities or patterns that might point you to a wrong definition of what love truly is. So here it is …getting honest here, getting real with you and myself…which I have to admit is not so easy to do anymore now that I know for sure people are reading and actually saying that they are getting something out of all this. But, as I refuse to be a turtle seeking solace and solitude in my shell anymore…I am pushing forward down the beach to find my water.
Let’s start with some quick definitions so we are all on the same page…bear with me for this is important (all pulled from Wiki):
Addiction – Historically, addiction has been defined as physical and psychological dependence on psychoactive substances…or viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal.[1] Some psychology professionals and many laypeople now mean ‘addiction’ to include abnormal psychological dependency on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, self-injury and shopping.[2][3][4][5]
Love Addiction (did you even know there was such a thing) is a human behavior in which people become addicted to the feeling of being in love. Love addicts can take on many different behaviors. Love addiction is common; however, most love addicts do not realize they are addicted to love. Love addiction can be treated with various recovery techniques, most of which are similar to recovery from other addictions such as sex addiction and alcoholism, through group meetings and support groups.[1]
For the purpose of this discussion, we will break the Love addiction down into 3 categorial types of people, with the definitions coming from author Anne Wilson-Schaef’s book Escape from Intimacy. Or read more at this link from “Answers for Me.” For all of these it is important to note that the person is REALLY looking for that intimate connection but through inappropriate means. Primarily for the last 2, these type of addicts often form pseudo-emotional bonds that are “safer” than real intimate bonds.
Sex addicts – “come on” to people in order to seduce them.
Relationship Addicts – “hang on” (hold their partners hostage with various forms of control) because they fear nothing worse than abandonment.
