The morning passed in a blur of changing diapers, cleaning up from breakfast, trying to do a bible study with the kids only to have them talk so rudely to her while yelling and hitting each other that she almost broke down crying. She didn’t know what she was doing wrong in her discipline approach…maybe she really was a horrible mother. “What had her husband said about this?” she tried to remember. He had actually supported her by saying, “Out of all my friends’ wives, you really are the best in the bunch.” But no time to feel sorry for herself…she didn’t believe as a Christian she should ever do that. She would just have to do some more reading and prayer, and be more diligent on cracking down on their misbehavior. She would have to talk to him to see what he suggested first though, to ensure they were on the same page and she didn’t do anything he wouldn’t like. For now, it was time to get lunch started – after taking a quick “pick up” lap. If she left it till the end of the day and he surprised them with an early return, she wanted to ensure he wouldn’t get upset by a cluttered home.
At 1 pm she was putting the 2 youngest down for a nap and to turn in for a quick 15 min nap herself. That 12 am bedtime after their “make up,” 3am waking and 6am workout was taking it’s toll. This is the part of being a stay-at-home mom that she loved…however she hated losing that time to work. She had always been an industrious worker…graduating at the top of her class from both undergrad and grad school. She just knew one day she would find another business idea that would take off, making them money so he could retire and she could prove she wasn’t a complete and dismal failure at everything she had put her hand to. Before meeting him, she and a friend had started a business that became so successful they were able to sell it off for a decent profit. However, since meeting him she couldn’t seem to get her ideas off the ground – and then the kids came and she seemed to lose more of her abilities. From talking with her friends she realized this was part of motherhood…part of the sacrifice of being an “at-home”. Yet, she had had another new business idea she was trying out…and while she never felt direct pressure to earn money for he had a stable income that provided well for them…she never could shake this still small voice that reminded her she needed to bring in so much money in order to earn her keep. Hmm, she wondered where that thought came from – it didn’t sound like her own. Maybe from her messed up childhood as he had mentioned. She would have to take that to her counselor at her next session.
Just as she laid down and closed her eyes, the phone rang. She tried to ignore it thinking she would get the message after her catnap – yet when the phone started ringing again – she knew it was him.
The conversation started off nice with small talk, but then without asking what she was doing – he jumped into reminding her that they needed to get something done…something that she couldn’t remember for the life of her what it was. Her stomach immediately dropped to the floor.
As she was listening to this, trying to process what he was saying about the project – she was almost certain they hadn’t discussed this.
Her blood began to boil…she knew she forgot things more often than not. But having just thought about her pre-babies stage in life, and pre-husband at that – she didn’t feel she was as forgetful as he wanted to make her out-to-be. Perhaps it was also the lack of sleep that spoke up next, “I really don’t remember you discussing this project with me. When did we discuss it?”
She could hear him close his office door at this moment – and at that moment felt her stomach drop to the foundation of the house
In a deep, quiet yet forceful voice that made her blood turn ice cold he continued thru clenched teeth, “I don’t know how many times I have to ask you to write things down so you don’t forget, deeeear. What do you do all day that you can’t get this done for me!? You are so disrespectful and don’t care about anyone but yourself. What do I have to do to get some help around here?”
The boldness she had felt a moment ago was starting to slide right down thru the mattress she was still sitting on, and her reply was more accommodating to him this time – in hopes that she could figure out what she forgot and get on with – if for nothing else than to save a little face in front of him, “I guess I have just had so much on my plate lately with the kids and the new business idea. I might have spaced when you were discussing this with me.”
“You did space, you always do whenever I need anything from you. You are really such a ditz, I don’t know who besides me would ever put up with you. Well, we know there is no point in you wasting our time and my money on that new business idea – at least not now. You aren’t willing to follow my advice on it anyways…but that is besides the point. I just would like to know how you are going to fix this problem of yours of remembering what needs to get done?”
“I’ll have to get a better system in place somehow.”
“Or maybe you could take a ‘how to’ class or something like that.”
“Really, it isn’t that bad. Maybe you could just help remind me before you leave for the day about what needs to get done for you.”
“Now you want to put this on me? Are you crazy? You must be…this is not my responsibility. Do I totally need to micromanage you and my whole company as well? Come on – I don’t want to have to do that. But if you can’t tell me how you are going to fix this, I guess, I guess…”
Now the previous boldness was starting to surface again as her blood began to defrost. She was more than a little frustrated and tired of all this – and they were not using the skills they had been learning and working on with their counselor. They had just discussed two nights ago not to fight like this…especially calling her the “crazy” word. He knew how much she hated that because kids had called her mom that when she would come to school with rollers in her hair, a cigarette hanging from her mouth and shouting down the hall looking for her – in the middle of the day. Her mother was not stable, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t. He had once told her after a fight that he had purposefully used that word in order to just get a “jab” in that he knew would cut deep. And here he is doing it again!
Now she took a turn talking with clenched teeth, “I am not crazy…I would never have been able to make it through my childhood and into my adult life if I was – and you know that. I was once a very successful businesswoman – but like most mothers, I have sacrificed all that in order to be the one that stays at home to raise the kids. If I need to prove myself to you again, we can discuss putting them in daycare or letting your parents take care of them so I can go back to work. Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea so you can take some time off and de-stress.”
“Paaalease, you know you can’t handle it out in the real world anymore – and you couldn’t handle a job like mine. There is no way you could even make close to the money I am making – so you are not making any sense….but you usually don’t these days.”
“I’d be happy to try it for a while if the move would help our marriage.”
“No, no – that’s more crazy talking in you. I’m fine, really. I just need to get thru this big merger and things will calm down. I don’t know what it is about you lately that gets me so worked up…you must really just now how to push my buttons. We just need to figure out a way for you to get better at remembering to do the things I need you to do for me.”
“I will continue to try to find a system that works for you…but I really need for you to stop treating me like a child. I am not a child and it is not fighting fair the way you talk to me. Can we please try to use our skills that we have been paying to learn?”
There was a long pause as he took a moment to collect his thoughts. Was she telling him what to do? Did she honestly hear herself talk – cause if she did she would realize he was right about what he was saying about her. She wasn’t the woman he had married, not even close to her. He often thought that she must have been a great deceiver – or maybe she was the “master manipulator” because she seemed so different than the vibrant, vivacious attractive trophy he thought he was picking up. Well, he just needed to put her back in her place so she would be able to do what he needed her to do.
“Please tell me how else to treat you after all the times you keep messing up?” his voice, which had calmed down a moment ago, was still calm but eerily vicious. “If you are going to act like a child, I will treat you like a child.” There, let’s see her argue with that.
“Oh, what is the point!!!???” she thought as the tears began to brim in her eyes. Why did they spend hundreds – no thousands of dollars on counseling and classes for them to get no where in fighting more fairly? What’s the point!
“Are you going to say anything? Or are you ignoring me now?” he asked in an equally unsympathetic tone.
With a long, drawn out breath she responded, “I am not a child, dear. But can we please get on with the details of the project.”
Agh…he heard the tears in her voice. He felt a slight pang of guilt, but it was quickly replaced by a sense of relief that she was back on track with him. “Listen, I know you are not a child…you are just forgetful so much these days and it is really frustrating when I am out here “slaying dragons,” for you and the kiddos. I am sorry if you felt you were demeaned by that comment. Please forgive me.”
Ohh, there it was…the plea for forgiveness that typically always came but for some reason was never like a real apology – especially when it felt like it was bound to happen again and again. Yet, she was tired, worn out from the night – from the morning with him and the kids…and she just didn’t want to fight anymore. Any resolve she had had for sticking up for herself and for the marriage she had hoped to have – well, it flew out the window probably many years ago. “I forgive you.”
There was another long, labored pause as she waited for him to get on with it. That’s when he piped in to say, “Well?”
“‘Well’ what?” she commented back.
“What do you mean, ‘Well what?’ Aren’t you going to ask me to forgive you for the inconvenience you have caused us this afternoon? You think you are so high and mighty that you don’t have to apologize for what you did wrong? You are really something…”
Oh my, he was really in one of his moods today – how was she going to get done with this today. The only way she saw was to fess up to whatever it is he thought she had forgotten and to apologize. She felt all that boldness once again retreat to the farthest corner of her soul, if she even still had a soul left after this round. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled and confessed to the best of her ability, “Motherhood has turned me into the worst version of myself,” was all she could come up with. She just wanted this conversation to be over so she quickly jumped to her apology, “I’m so sorry…I will continue to try harder. Please forgive me.”“I do forgive you – of course. But if you don’t get it together, you are going to cost us everything I have worked for these last 13 years dear. Please, put this on the top of your priority list for the rest of the day.”
As he hung up the phone he felt a sinking feeling that he wasn’t getting thru to her. He really hated to have to use some of those harsh words with her…especially at work where people might over hear him. But he had closed the door just in time – and most people were in that meeting – so he should be okay. And if they only knew how infuriating she was and her inabilities to get done what he needed – they would agree with him. He had a thought that perhaps he didn’t actually vocalize the request he needed to her last night before bed…but they were so in-tuned with each other usually — she probably did hear it and just spaced like usual. Or was looking for another reason to upset him…hmm, he would have to bring this to their counselor to see what she would suggest for her.
