Eclipse: Facing My Demons #3 at MPPC Sanctuary

Yes, I am confessing that I am a Twilight fan – not one of those out-of-control die hards, but a fan none-the-less.  I know, I am not a teenybopper or even a pre-teen…but I am on “pins and needles” awaiting the release of the 1st part of Breaking Dawn.  Hey, we all need our distractions once in a while from real life – and this is mine…so please don’t knock it! Plus, if you haven’t read the series, first book especially,  you wouldn’t realize how much Edward (I know, I know – really a vampire!  I thought the same thing, I promise) is a Christlike figure…and the topic of an up & coming post.

Okay, with that being said…I realized Sunday at church I had been mislabeling this series…and that the first two could have followed Stephanie Meyer’s books quiet well.  The first being Twilight...where I spent time in the sanctuary by myself remembering the “sun setting” on my naive youth at that very spot about 9 years ago.  The next book, New Moon, would have been my 2nd time back to the sanctuary a couple of Saturdays ago when Scotty Scruggs preached about Forgiveness and how God was working in my heart to get me to hear His forgiveness.  Not really sure how this is a “new moon” in my life …. maybe cause God was in essence wiping my slate clean and I am getting to “start over” at the same spot I was at?

However, this past Sunday I definitely can see that this post is my Eclipse; where there is sun and hope on one side, an extremely dark middle part that is definitely heart wrenching as I am faced with some tough decisions about whether I will obey the voice of God or not…and a waiting game as I hope for the eclipse to fully pass rather sooner than later….  All the while the rays of the hot “Son” are still shooting out, reaching around the moon and into the dark even if I cannot see them with my earthly eyes.  

Have you done your homework from last night yet?  Watched all the video links? If you have, it will be easier for you to follow this post…but no worries, I think it will all make sense in the end.

I found myself once again strangely pulled back to that place that has brought me into a love/hate relationship over the years: Menlo Park Presbyterian’s main sanctuary.  When I retired the night before, I thought I would be headed to my campus in Mountain View…but as I stirred from my slumber Sunday morning, I realized I had a chance to see Pastor Kevin preach in person – and I was taking it.  

I was running late to church, which always bothers me…but I was and I of course think there was a purpose. For I often, in the previous part of my life with MPPC, was ALWAYS late arriving…so God was setting me up again (ok maybe I can’t really blame that one on God, but it was strangely and eerily similar to a few years ago).  As I was driving down Santa Cruz Ave, a thought struck me about how Jacob wrestled with “a man” for a blessing (this “man” is seen as representing God).  I’ve thought about this passage often as I seem to be wrestling with God on some issues in my life.  I know this wrestling is part and parcel to living the Christian life…that we are to wrestle with persistence on issues the Lord brings up in our lives.  However, where Jacob wanted a blessing…I just wanted “some answers.”  Not so much to ask, right?  

I half walked, half ran into the sanctuary this time – excited that I made it at least for a little bit of the worship – one of my favorite parts!  I found a seat towards the front and sat down next to this cute young couple who were so cute!  After the main part of worship, there was a small string orchestra that played while the words to Psalm 88 started to appear on the TVs.  The music was beautifully tragic, and spoke to me in a way words cannot.  At about this time, I realized that Kev would be talking about “lament” – and was so thankful that I had finally put some tissues in my purse. 

Ken LaPoint stood up after this to share his family’s story of living Psalm 88.  When he was finished, he asked those of us that were currently living in this type of period to raise our hands. Honestly, I thought more people would raise their hands, but I was about the only person in my section.  And wouldn’t you know what was coming next? That’s right… Ken asked those around the individual whom had raised their hand to lay hands on that individual and pray over them!  God was getting me right where He wanted me – and continuing to teach me about how to accept love and sympathy thru His people.  (Refer to “The Bubbling has begun…“)

“Oh, boy,” I thought as I laughed to myself, thru the tears that had started during Ken’s sharing…cue the tissues.  A BIG thank you to those sweet souls who poured out their love to me thru your agreement to that prayer…it was much needed this week.

Now, P. Kev is up to bat – and he wastes no time.  Seeing that you can go and watch the sermon here, I am not going to summarize his points but just share how they hit me as he went along.  In his first point, P. Kev mentions that sometimes we just do not get answers to our questions this side of heaven, pointing to Job as his point of reference to this.  “Okay, got it God…I’m not going to get any answers.  Well, thanks at least for this answer!”

Fast forward to point three: “Darkness (let’s say the Eclipse) is the best place to turn me into the person God wants me to be.”  Oh, Lordy…I’ve been feeling this one now for quite a while.   Then my ears perk up at his mention of Consolation and Desolation.

I remember this from another message from Scotty about Signs from God so I think I am good, and almost phase out for a moment (like that Twilight reference there?).  But then P. Kev starts talking about “an arrogant belief in immature believers” and I tune back in…not having a proper spiritual upbringing I have some catching up to do.  He goes on to state that the belief in us “young vampires” (not really, that’s my add in) is that we think WE affect these two places where we can be: that if we just pray enough, volunteer enough, be good enough, etc…that we will be in consolation.  However, the truth is these two places are not so much up to us, but up to God.  For God and only God knows the work He has to do in us and what it will take to get us there, and therefore allows things to happen – whether by our own poor choices and mistakes or by Him allowing Satan to inflict harm on us (as in the case of Job).

Wow – did you catch that?  Did you catch that sometimes you might be doing everything right, laying your heart bare before God…and yet you can’t feel His presence at all?  That, much like the Eclipse of the Sun…you know He is back there somewhere but you just can’t see him at this minute, even though you are still looking at exactly the same spot you were before?  That your eyes are still burning from seeing His glory when all the sudden you are plummeted into the depths of darkness?

To me, this was a HUGE, HUMUNGOUS answer to what I had just been thinking about on the way to church…struggling with wanting some answers  – accepting just a few moments before that I most likely will not have the answers I want as to how I got to this place in my life….and one I know many Christian women and men must wrestle with when they one day wake up in a very toxic relationship.

I barely had time to chew on this thought though before P. Kev was on to his next point of darkness being just a shadow…again the Eclipse symbolism works here too!   Hopefully you listened to the message so you know how he puts this…but I like this analogy:

Pretend you are on a roller coaster that has all your normal ups and downs, downs and ups…out in the daylight.  Then, you come around a huge turn, and depending on where you are sitting, you see the tunnel up ahead.  It is long, super long…and you hear the screaming as those ahead of you enter – with their hands up.  But you, you are claustrophobic and always sleep with a night light on…and would have never taken this ride if you would have known.  Yet, it is too late – you are strapped in – and to jump off at this point would mean certain death.  You enter the tube that will swallow you up, holding your breath and the bar in front of you for dear life.  You feel the force of the weight of gravity pulling you down, down, down – darker, darker, darker…and you realize you must breath or you will pass out.  You exhale everything only to find a sweet smell awaits your senses, a calming sent.  Curious, you start to relax a bit, just a bit in this darkness and start to look for something else to focus on.  You find paying attention to the force now pulling you back up is doing a bit to ease those tangled nerves….  You edge closer and closer to the top, the light that was drizzling in is now growing in intensity and warmth as you start to emerge from the cold, damp and seemingly empty black tunnel.  Sometimes the force that is pulling you up – that is stronger and mightier than anything you have ever known – seems to falter and you rock just a centimeter back…but there is nothing to fear as the ride continually pulls you upward, upward and upward.  All the sudden, you are out into the wide open spaces once more…breathing easier, smiling and laughing once again…only to look back and see a beautiful “tapestry” that is woven over and thru the spot you just emerged from…a spot that wasn’t nearly as long as you had thought…and a place where you can now see the beauty of what God was doing in there…in the Eclipse of your life.