I think I could have named this post about a million other titles such as:
* To conform or not to conform?
* Going with the flow or against the flow, downstream or upstream
* Pharisee vs. Revolutionary
However, the title I settled on was this. I guess for us to make sense of my reasoning I need to start with with where I got this line from…then I will try to explain why it applies to me.
If you have been reading for some time, you know that I have been listening to a lot of sermons the last few months from my church Menlo Park Pres. This line comes from one of those sermons, one given by Nancy Ortberg just this past June called “The Big Two” that she gave to the young adult group. In the sermon, she is addressing how to make the biggest two decisions of your life: your life partner and your job. She addresses what the Bible has to say on these two issues, using her biblical gift of sarcasm. Her underlying point to being able to make these decision though is this: that you are a student of yourself…that you learn about who God created you to be, learn about the gifts He gave you and try to figure out where the world needs your gifts. She often uses the term many in the Christian world probably hate because it sounds so pyschologyish: self-awareness.
I am growing to love this term, for this is – again if you have been reading my blog – the journey I have been on. A journey that is brimming with pain, hurt and confusion. Yet, a journey that is allowing me to finally figure out why on earth I am here…and allowing me to claim my identity that – up till now – has had me hiding out in my turtle shell, in my whale if you will, for the majority of my life.
One of the areas that God has brought to my attention lately is this very contrary desire to be both your average Jane, blending in with the crowd and going about my business…mixed with an ever growing desire to be utterly unique from the rest. This ying and yang has always been there in my life if I was really honest with myself…and I am wondering how many others struggle with this.
This is the question I want to ask of you today and pray to God that my stinkin’ comments will actually work for I REALLY want to know: Do you struggle with this tension of wanting to be just like every one else yet wanting to stand out in the crowd as well? To conform or not to conform?
I arrived at this realization a few months back discussing something with my counselor…discussing something I had done that I felt made me stick out like a sore thumb. She commented, in attempts to make me feel better about myself and what I had done, that I was like most people in this instance and that what I had done was completely normal and probably even expected. While I momentarily felt better and the feelings of angst and, “oh my how do I fix this?” subsided…my very next thought was, “Wait a minute! Wait a cotton pickin’ minute here folks!! You mean I am not stickin’ out, getting myself noticed…that I am just one of the many M&M’s in the big pile? Are you kiddin’ me? That is not what I want at all. Now I am going to have do something else to get myself noticed…err.”
Am I the only one that thinks like this? I really have never asked anyone this before – so while I am hoping some people will speak up and say – “No, I think like this too Real Mama,” the other bigger side of me, being real honest here, is hoping you say, “No, Real Mama you are alone in this. The rest of us don’t like to stick out like a sore thumb.” See, there it is again…even in seeking my answer I have this pull to wanting to be so utterly different that it really freaks me out.
After sitting with this realization for a good couple of months now, God brought it up in full force while I was reading this week…and I started to write down my list of “differences” that I have either had throne on me or I have gone after intentionally. Over the course of the week, I have been asking myself to actually accept these differences about myself…as part of my God-given character…instead of fighting them. Here is a small sampling I came up with:
* My “homes” of origin: yes that is a plural for I had many different homes…you can read some of my earlier blogs to learn more. The biggest thing is while – yes, it sucked that I had to go through this – these experiences have made it easier for me to accept change…and not to only accept change as part of life but to actually desire it, thrive in it….and am bored when nothing is changing.
* My style, my dating/social life, my choices as a teenager: Throughout my teenage and young adult life, I admit that I always did that dance of wanting to fit in, and then not wanting to fit in. Wanting to do what everyone else was doing…but finding out that when I did I usually was miserable vs. times when I would be “the different than expected person” – that my head was popping out of my shell, feeling more like myself.
* Being up front: I actually LOVE to be on a microphone in front of people (which is so not what I expected from myself) …at least when they are all yucky and sweaty and aren’t expecting me to share stuff like this. I don’t really like being up front because I want the attention (for I usually would love to just be a chameleon blending into my environment)…so I am not really sure why I like this. “Things that make you go hmmm…” (yes, a song reference, you can Google it!)
* My approach to nutrition, fitness, vaccines and politics: Over the years I have gotten much slack for what I preach on food, for not vaccinating my children, for not encouraging what the media encourages in any of these areas. I could elaborate, but this is not the point of this post…you can email me for my personal beliefs here if you wish.
* Biblical Divorce: oh boy I almost forgot this one…how could I? If you have read any of my other posts, you know that I believe God’s word says there are reasons to use this option and that they can be used WITHOUT guilt or shame by the party that wishes to end abuse, neglect, or desertion. I am definitely in the minority in this one it seems, at least within the Christian circles.
* My latest unconforming area is my struggle with the two camps in the Church over women: the Egalitarians vs. Compliments (easier to spell and say!). I can see why Philip did not want to publish his work…for it is very divisive. Yet, I have to say I am falling more and more on the side of Egalitarians…and finding again that I am heading down the road less traveled within the Christian world.
YOUR TURN: Now you get to write down a list of differences that you see in yourself over the years, over the decades. For as I sat with the concept of this post over night, I have realized that I DO believe God makes us all unique and different for a reason…and it is your job to find out what your differences are – those qualities that make you stick out from the crowd. Once you have written your list down and elaborated on it if you like, then continue reading.
The thing is, that when I stop to think about all these things that make me different from those around me, that when I wish I could just melt back into my environment and not do and say the things I do and say…that is when I find I am usually the most embarrassed about doing and saying what I do and say. For anyone who has tried to do things differently than those around you know that you often will be by yourself, a loner…one that isn’t the head of the popular crowd. You receive criticism, rebuke, and maybe even the glancing daggers of those that believe you are doing the wrong thing, being the wrong person.
But do you see what this is really saying about us as people? That if we allow others to affect the way we are created to be, then we allow ourselves to fear man more than the one who created us…and we will continually suffer from the oppression that the world would have us under. And whether we want to believe this about ourselves our not, me included, this is a sin in God’s eyes. For if we allow fear of man to enshroud our hearts…we have pushed God out of our hearts – and we will conform to whatever the world wants us to be.
To me, the more I think about this, the more frightening I find it…and the more determined I am to not allow it to happen in my life. It is not easy, but the one thing I have noticed is when I stop worrying about how my words and actions, my thoughts and deeds look to others – that when I realize I am just being who God created me to be – then a funny thing happens. I am not embarrassed. I feel myself stand up to my full height, assured and happy that I am doing exactly what God is calling me to do…and that it isn’t really about me at all.
Note: Oh my, I just realized this as I was starting to type my next sentence…and I think an answer to my thought in regards to me liking to be on the microphone….see this is why I personally get SOOO much out of writing and hope you will too! Okay, here we go: If I think about what I am doing here on this blog or in speaking to people and how it makes me so different from everyone else, then I would never be able to do what I am doing or say what I am saying. For the world would have me believe it is all about me – and since I don’t want to be in the limelight for that sake – I have shied away from it. As I said above, this means I fear man – which leads me to believe what I am doing is wrong and I will be embarrassed – and I will not do the thing I am called to do. However, if I realize the point of me speaking out – for using my differences that God gave me isn’t to bring attention to me, but to direct others to a path greater than myself…then oh my golly give me the microphone folks!
This brings me back full circle to the message I started with – the one from Nancy. In this message she mentions this couple that she had the pleasure of marrying, and sharing their story on how they met. In short, they were both at this pub at college where the gal noticed the guy – who happened to be surrounded by other gals. However, because this young gal had the confidence of self-awareness…she boldly walked up to the guy, gave him a match book with her number on it and said to him (are you ready for this?) “I don’t wait in line.”
Now before you go off in another direction with this, let me clarify that I am not saying we should all start jumping lines because we are bold and confident and self-aware…for that would be prideful to the extreme. What I am saying is that if we really take the time to study ourselves in the light of who we are created to be, that I think we will all find that we can say “we don’t wait in line” because the “line” is the problem…it is the line of conformity the world would have us strive for. The line that takes us to down an incorrect path that will perhaps eventually put us in the wrong career, lead us to the wrong life partner…and ultimately becoming the wrong person for who you were created to be. For this path renders us helpless to help others in the world.
Why? Because while we are trying not to focus on us but on others without knowing ourselves – we lose ourselves, become depressed, anxious and worry-warts. Before we know it, we are spending all our energy and time trying to become healthy…and the focus is now all on ourselves and our problems with nothing left over for others.
However….however, if we first take the time – no matter how old you are – to learn about yourself and accept yourself for who you are…and by no means is this a short and easy, painless process…then I believe, like I am doing, you will find peace, joy and comfort. It is thru this process of self discovery that you learn yes you are important, that you are valuable and that you have been gifted with a unique set of abilities that are to be used in the world. If I am right about all this, then you will soon be able to start climbing out of your self-focused hole…and find the energy and strength to help others around you.
It sounds contrary, doesn’t it? In order to make it NOT all about yourself you first have to focus on yourself. This is a thought pattern I do not believe many in the Christian world would like for me to vocalize – at least not in this way. Yet, wasn’t the way Jesus approached most things He talked about contrary to our normal thought patterns in the world? For me, I am finding that this contrary thought is so true it leaves me asking a question that keeps coming up more and more: How much have I gotten wrong? How much as the Church have we gotten wrong? (The topic of my next post!)
This is the last part of our assignment for this lesson. What I would like to focus on, and pray that you will join me, is the underlying implications beneath this statement, “I don’t wait in line”. Without thinking to hard about the outcomes of what you write, simply start listing as quickly as you can the answers to the following questions. Don’t worry about making full sentences or even making sense to others…just jot down what comes to mind. Then pick one answer and start dwelling on it. If you hate to write, then perhaps recording your thoughts on your iPhone or SmartPhone will work better. Or perhaps you are better at drawing/painting your thoughts – that will work as well. The idea is to get your thoughts out of the circling they tend to do in your head so that you can fully process them, bring them to light and then actually use them to bring change in your life – and eventually other lives around you.
* Looking back at your list from above about your “differences”, what pattern(s) do you see? What are your normal tendencies when you feel uninhibited by the concerns of others vs. your times when you retreat into your shell? If no one else was watching you and judging you, what would you feel the most comfortable doing? What is it in you that is holding you back from doing just that?
* In what areas and in what way do you need to buck the “line” in order to be the type who “doesn’t wait in line”…in order to stick out like a sore thumb, in order to use your gifts to bring healing and hope to those around you? In what ways can you use your unique set of qualities to be “abnormal,” to be a “nonconformist” or one that swims upstream in a world of “downstreamers”?
