I know, I know…I missed a day. Completely missed it. I had to though…it is the whole “P” side of my personality coming out…the “fly by the seat of my pants”part that needs to not always be so darn structured…the side that comes out more and more these days. So, I apologize, truly – especially since I do not think I will really get to the point of the last 2 days readings. Yesterday was about “True Love” – and while I know this is about Jesus, the questions they wanted me to think about – oh no, not going there today. Today – about concerts – singing and praising to God about His goodness. I have to be honest about where I am at…and it is not really there today either. Let’s see why…
Yesterday was one of those roller coaster days again. Morning time was GREAT. I was working the cash rep at the Fair Trade store I mentioned earlier. We had a mad rush for about an hour…okay partly a rush due to only having one cash rep and an inexperienced sales associate working it. Nonetheless, I have to say it was really nice to know that I still can work well under pressure…I actually love that type of thing. When I worked as an event manager, I was one of those silly ones that would thrive when things started to go off schedule, not according to plan – trying to figure out what the course of action would be. So yes …this part of my day felt really good.
It was the 2nd half of the day that started going downhill. What goes up must go down, right? It’s definitely been one of those weeks, partly due to the season I’m sure. Among other reasons. It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve had to really concentrate on what triggers me, what sets me off on a trip down memory lane or feeling that gut wrenching uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. The whole “rephrasing” my mind is being put to the test.
Some of the triggers for me just yesterday afternoon alone:
- Missing my mom – always happens this time of year, especially realizing I won’t be with my aunties who are the best stand ins a girl could have
- Watching Felicity – for all the great stuff, all the great “deep thoughts” and “meaning” that Felicity is bringing into my life…it can have this effect of triggering me, of making me think about my life and the choices I made at her age that are having huge impacts now. I feel for this age group – so glad I am not there anymore…
- Music – have you noticed how much an impact music can make on your mood? Well, I discovered a “new” band yesterday – Mumford and Sons…and while I love their grassy, accent, guitar picking jive…it certainly had an impact on my mood.
- Having an email from a friend inviting me to do something fun and hopefully therapeutic set off a torrential onslaught of feelings, thoughts and memories
- Having a complete, utter “Anne of Green Gables” moment – see the pictures! I’m able to laugh at it now…but because of somethings in my past, when I have these moments I have to work hard not to let those old, negative voices try to get me down. Yesterday at that moment it happened, they came flying out of the dark spaces without being invited. Big sigh.
So, after taking a good 20 mins to clean up my mess – I head to Sanctuary. My stomach already in knots. Trying my hardest to implement positive self-talk telling myself that I am an adult now, with LOTs of tools in my tool box to handle what I am going thru. Knowing that I don’t want to “hide” by myself any more…but maybe last night would have been a good time to do just that.
It seemed that everything about last night was purposefully placed in front of my face just to push me over the edge. From talking further with a friend about what my afternoon was like…..
………..to seeing someone that more and more reminds me of my ex and how surprised I am just seeing this now. I’m utterly disgusted at how powerful our subconscious minds are …so driven they are to try to “fix” things with look-a-likes when the first go-a-round didn’t work. Ever wonder why we are prone to do the things we wish not to do and not do the things we wish to do? Ever wonder why you pick a mate that in the end reminds you of your opposite sex parent? It’s the subconscious mind. So much more there than I can explain here…but it is stuff I learned/am learning from my Life Skills class. At least I know now it is reparable. It just takes a lot of time and work, which I wish I could avoid.
……to hearing a complete stranger declare her favorite Christmas movie is the movie that reminds me of a tradition my mom and I had this time of year. To sit around and watch
Sound of Music. Seriously, was there any one else in the building of 200-300 that had this movie as well? And my dumb luck, I sat right in front of her. I tried hard to lighten the mood by going for one of my two favorite comedies –
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation…the other
A Christmas Story. Yet, she wouldn’t be swayed from her favorite holiday movie – and the flame in my mind was fanned even more.
….to lastly hearing Nick, the guy preaching last night, in his very first sentence use a word that I had honestly only ever heard one other time in my life that I can remember. It just so happened it was in an email from my ex this week…let’s just say it was not a nice email.
That was it, my tears were just moments away from coming crashing down all around me. I turned to my friend and told her I had to get out of there…only problem was I was in the front row. I hated dashing out right after the preaching started – but it was all I could do to get out of that building, make it home and into the “safety” of my new little abode.
I’d like to say that the sun started to dawn today and I awoke and everything was all better…but after a night of trying to process all of those triggers, the emotions they invoked and the memories that were stirred…it is not better. In fact, after processing for the remainder of the night – after using some of those aforementioned “tools” – I am only more at a loss of what my future in the next couple of weeks will look like. I feel completely inadequate to even be contemplating the idea of helping others learn to “Practice Joy” in the midst of all my sorrow.
Yet, words from Felicity’s counselor at the end of her Freshman year come to me now…and bring comfort to me and hopefully all you other dear souls that read this and KNOW how I feel cause you have also been here.
Backstory: Felicity was talking to her counselor about her first year of college and how everything turned out. He asks her if she is still thinking about coming an R.A. Here is the rest of the conversation.
Felicity: “I don’t think so.”
Counselor: “Really?”
F: with tears streaming being wiped away, “Yeah, I’m kind of feeling like, ‘Who am I to be giving anyone advice?'”
C: “You’re someone whose been through it.”
Long pause as he waits for her…and she looks back up at him then.
C: “So…..see you next year.”
As many girlfriends have said to me and I now say to myself and to you as I pick myself up off the “floor” – God is allowing me to experience all this pain, sorrow, heart ache that goes beyond words so that at some time, at some point – I can be an “advisor” to someone else as they journey through this. God- I sure hope that is the case.
For now, I take comfort in knowing I am not alone…that many of you are not just “for” me…but that you are “with” me in my pain….just as I know in my head Jesus is. Now, if I can just convince my heart!
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| My “Anne” of a mess |
