Why do I blog? What is my purpose in sharing my deep struggles with all of you? With anyone that cares to read them in the entire world?
I seriously have been thinking about this, especially last night as the grief of my life swarmed over me time and again. I thought about telling you all that I was taking a break…that it was just not a good time for me right now. That why would you want to read about my life, like it matters to you…like you struggle with anything that I struggle with?
Then it dawned on me that this blog can serve many purposes. For me, it is kind of terrifying yet also healing to be able to read back over my journey – to see where I’ve been and where I am going. To see how silly I am at certain points and how I kind of wish I wouldn’t have put something out there. Yet, then I realize that what I have said on here is me being me…the real me. Not someone that I think you might want me to be…in a way it is a great way to practice living out what I am trying to teach myself. I try not to only post when things are going well, when I feel I have a handle on what I am doing…but also when I am struggling with my thoughts, with my sadness and grief. For how could I call myself “real mama” if I didn’t show the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly?
For you, I have no idea why you read my blog. Maybe it is a nice distraction for you, from your own life. Maybe you compare yourself to me and think to yourself, “Well, at least I am not as messed up as she is.” Maybe you want to know more about me… which – to be honest – kind of freaks me out after being in the relationship I have been in. Maybe you get a good laugh – which I love to make people laugh…just don’t know if I am very good at that. Maybe it is just to keep in touch with me and what is going on in my life – cause you are a dear friend and/or family member. Maybe it is just so you know how to support me.
Yet, my true prayer is you read with one eye on me and one on you. That you learn more about yourself in all these personal journal entries that I share. That you take some of these lessons that I am learning and apply them to yourself and not let all of my hard work in living these experiences and then typing them into this Blog go to waste.
For my dear readers that have been where I am or are in what I have been in – an abusive relationship – I wish I could only be more honest and open with you. There is much I wish I could share about my journey, in more detail…and perhaps for you I will find a way to do this someday. Yet, I am sure you know why I cannot do this. Yet, know that I here for you…you can ALWAYS email me at [email protected] with any questions or prayers. I have to say that I do not have hardly any of the answers but am more than willing to help you along as you search for your answers. And if you have answers or encouragement for me from your own journey – please, please feel free to share!
Continued: Vulnerability & Courage
Addition: Found this post on a friend’s blog and thought it was fitting here The Red Pill
I can totally relate to what you are saying. I find your blog very encouraging. And I understand about sharing what you are able to at this time. It took me a long time to share what I do. It didn’t happen overnight but took some years before I could.
I hope you keep on writing….
Thank you once again Jamey for your encouraging words. It is so nice to know I am NOT alone in this…and I know that this journey is really a life long one. I can’t remember where I saw this, probably a sermon…but Ruth Graham (Billy’s wife) had this on her tombstone and I LOVED it, “Construction is now finished, thank you for your patience.” This is totally fitting for all of us, don’t you think?
Also, in case you didn’t see my addition above, here is a link to a friend’s blog that talks about the same thing in different terms:
http://verysmallsteps.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/the-red-pill/
Thank you for sharing your healing process. It is so good to know that I am not alone and that the things I’ve been through not only really happened, but actually were bad and should not be tolerated. It’s so easy to let yourself be convinced that your abuse didn’t really happen or that you’re exaggerating it and therefore it wasn’t abuse. Thank you so much for standing up for yourself (and through that the rest of us) and asking the hard questions and being brave enough and having enough faith to dig into the uncomfortable places in your memories and your self and for putting it out here in the open. I feel very encouraged and empowered by your writings. Thank you so much…
Thank you so very much Jessica for your kind words and encouragement. You have no idea how much that helps me and I will hold on to your comments when I have doubts about what I am doing and why I am putting my life up for the world to see…