Pardon My Mess…

Today was one  of those days that I felt like I desperately wanted to crawl back into the security of my ol’ comfortable shell.  But thank God He has put certain people in my life that keep pushing me to stay out – no matter how painful the experience might become.

I thought as I journaled earlier today that I would write here…later…much later – like next year later.  I would be crazy to do this today of all days.  Yet, as I sat with my fears, my floundering mess of a life right now, I realized that that was exactly why I needed to be on here.  For the emotions are raw, at the surface…bubbling up and ready to be dealt with.  If I wait, I might not be able to get to them quite as much…or be quite as real with myself nor with you…you who also might need to hear something here.  For this is my journey…this is a document of my journey for what it is worth…and it is part of my way of healing and becoming the “real” person I would like to become.  

Part of the mess of my life today was the realization that once again I am still some how running from God…and it is literally causing my body to not be able to shed itself of any viruses that I happen to catch.  How, how in the world could I still be running?  I mean I am daily looking at my life, looking at my past and trying to figure out how to move forward in the midst of all this.  I am trying this avenue, that avenue…oh and that one over there too.  But none of them feel right, none of them fit quite right.  

Leave it to my counselor to point out that my boundaries…yes those lovely lil’ things that keep me from melting all over the place…well perhaps they aren’t as secure as I had thought they were becoming.  That I was still letting others – with all their good intentions and all their offers of helping me with their advice – I was still letting them in too much…trying to find solace in their ideas of what would be good for me at this point of my journey.  Instead of finding solace in just being who I am and knowing that I know what is best for me…because doing what I know I need to do would mean having to be with myself.

And this terrifies me.  

       Why?  Because it means that I quite potentially could get “uglier” in the messiness that is my life right now.  

            Why is that so bad?  Well, because – as it came out to my counselor today – I am still fearful of looking like a mess to you, to my church folks, and to myself.  

     Why do I think I have to hold it all together in the enormity of what I am going thru right now?  Why do I care what others see or what others think of me right now?  I don’t know that I can really, honestly answer this.  I know I would never expect a friend to have it all together during this time.  I know of ALL things…that looking like a mess in order to get better is a good thing…

        …but the subtleness of the lie that I have bought into for my whole life is still there…and it is so hard to buck that lie.  The thing is I think a lot of us buy into a lie that makes us hold it all together…no matter what station in life we are at or are given.  That we think no one will care, that no one wants to be burdened with our mess, that no one will be able to understand our aches and pains, that no one has time for us…the list could go on.  The lie that we buy into doesn’t matter…it is the fact that we buy into it.  They are all lies – and they lead us to continue to hide from ourselves and others…and to avoid feeling the pain we need to feel in order to feel the healing we so desperately need.

That is what came to the forefront for me today.  Sometimes I am so eager to get on with life, to get back into a good routine, to get off the teeter totter and back to some form of stableness – even though I have had so very little of this .  This eagerness makes me rush ahead and jump right back into life.  Yet, I keep hearing the “not yet” going off in my head…that there is a time and a place for all these other things…but “not yet”.  This little phrase is what led me to read Henri J.M. Nouwen’s “Live Patiently with the ‘Not Yet'”*.   I had to read it a few times over –and then asked my counselor to help me understand it as well.  All-in-all, this little journal entry from Henri has helped me to finally see what I need to do. 

I committed to giving myself time to heal – yet keep finding myself getting diverted by what others think I need to do during this time to heal.  And because I don’t want to sit in the pain that is my past and my present – I am running around trying to fill my days, wearing myself out so I have nothing left to face my troubles.  So God, the lovely patient God He is, well – He is allowing me to suffer the consequences of my choices…and to sit in the sickness that is my life and has been for a few months now.  

Hmm…well, I think He has gotten my attention – and because I am one of those that is blessed with an excessive amount of body awareness – I think I will use this as my sign to do the work I need to do.  No matter how terrified I am of the feelings of looking into the door of my past…of stepping over the threshold and learning to allow the feelings of the scared little girl that was left to fend for herself at a young age…I know that I have the tools to handle this next part of my journey, that the feelings will not overcome me – the feelings won’t swallow me whole.  

So, just to make sure that I am not going to let the lie grab a hold of me again, to ensure that I am going to do what I need to do with my life and with the hand I have been dealt with in life, in order to become who God created me to be, I am publicly saying that …

Wow – that feels really good to admit and to say “out loud”! 

If you find that you are okay with that as well, I welcome you in and thank you for saying, “me too.”  We are in good company.

On the other hand, if you find that you are uncomfortable with my mess…well I will pray that you will figure out why that makes you uncomfortable, that you will ask yourself some tough questions and start looking at yourself for the answers.

Here is a quote that motivated me today from my facilitator in my Life Skills class:

“If you avoid the feeling you avoid the healing.”

* The Inner Voice of Love by Henri J.M. Nouwen