Getting Past My Past…

Do you ever have those days where you wake up, the sun is shining and all seems right in your life?  Today is one of those days.  And I am going to treasure it for all it is worth for who knows how long it will last.

A few days ago I talked with a friend about how I finally figured out that I had been running from God because of something I had heard from Him.  But the funny thing is I hadn’t even realized I was running from Him…because I was still “being” with Him in the things I had been doing before.  I was still able to journal and write all these posts…but in actuality I think that was my way of hiding from Him.  Gosh I am so good at that…of looking “real” — yet not being real with even myself.

I don’t think you ever get to your “last bag” in this life…but it is nice to dream about!

However, when I stopped and thought about it this last week, my conversations with Him hadn’t been there for a while…my time praying hasn’t been there…the feeling of consolation was definitely no where to be found in my life.  I had this huge sense, this enormous feeling that I was trying my hardest to run from Him …and yes even my dreams this last week I would say proved it.

So, what did I do?  I don’t know if I really did anything…but if it was once again just God’s timing of letting me go along this journey till I got to point of clarity about my own limitations…as well as my own deepest desires and fears being made known to me, of letting myself be “real” with myself – know what I mean?

Back to my running: So I knew I was running and I did come to the point in the last few days that I didn’t want to do that any more – at least not for this time.  That I want to be open to accepting whatever promises God has for me, whole heartedly – even if they scare the beejeebers (sp?) out of me.  So I half heartedly prayed (like most my prayers) for an answer as to what I was running from and how to stop.  Of course the answer came in a completely unexpected way, some of what I shared yesterday.  And I found myself wanting to fight the answer…even though it made sense.

So I backed down, I laid down my will once again for what I want…even though it means saying good-bye and starting over yet again in another area of my life – at least that is how I saw it.  However, over the course of the last 24 hours…by doing just this “simple” step of laying down my fears that are colored by my past…God has once again ignited the flame of HOPE in my heart as new possibilities arise in my life.

………………….I might be able to start seminary sooner than expected because of this one lil’ decision.

………….. I might be able to venture into a new community – all because of this one lil’ move in a different direction.

……… I might be able to get a bigger picture of what God is doing in the Bay Area – all because of this one lil’ step of faith.

Who knows exactly what God has in store for me….yet these last few months have definitely taught me that I can do what I at one time thought was impossible – grow up and become the adult that I am in age and desire to be in the rest of me as well!  And this is all because of taking and continuing to take a good hard look at my past, confronting it head on instead of trying to run from it, hide from it, trying to pull my head back into my shell and ignore that the world exists.  So I will leave you with this – for both you and me….

…….it is POSSIBLE to confront your messy past and not be consumed by it – to grieve whatever was in your past…but know that there is hope in that grieving.

…………it is POSSIBLE to learn from your past and use it for your benefit as your move towards your future.

                                …..it is POSSIBLE to get past your past – baggage and all.

No matter how much baggage you have, you can learn how to overcome it.