Continuing my series on why I thank God He is bigger than the Christian church I wanted to explore the this theme that keeps emerging in my life and how it plays out into this picture. It takes me a bit to pull this back around…but please do try to stick with me as I investigate my thoughts and see where they lead us!
EXPECTATIONS
The theme – the theme of being caught in the middle – first appeared probably about 7 years ago when I was an avid listener to Denis Prager, a Jewish conservative talk show host and whom I at the time deemed the best “thinker” I had ever heard speak. Denis often talked about Happiness (Hmm, maybe this is really where my Joy project comes from?) and even had one show a week devoted to this. He would often mention his book on the subject, Happiness is a Serious Problem, which I eventually got around to reading.
In the book there is a chapter about expectations and how damaging holding onto expectations can be to relationships, to your self and to your happiness.
The example I remember the most is about going in for a job interview and how expectations can play out:
A) If you expect to get the job and…
1) you do then it is no big deal because you expected this outcome. Your attitude is most likely one of, “Well, of course they offered me the job. Why wouldn’t they? I am the best fit, they are so lucky to have me.” Your happiness from this outcome will not be that great because of your expectations, but your pride will most likely be quite inflated.
2) you don’t, then you are completely mortified, knocked down, beaten up and the like because you were expecting to get the job. That pride you felt about yourself is completely leveled. You are left with no happiness because of those expectations.
Contrast that with this scenario:
B) If you do not expect to get the job and…
1) you do get the job, you are ecstatic – your happiness meter is high all because you received something you were not expecting. Your attitude would most likely be one of gratitude and pleasure at being given the opportunity.
2) you do not get the job…well, oh well. Since you didn’t expect it, you didn’t place all your eggs in one basket and are free to move on to the next thing without the deflated ego or heartbreak.
I can see this theory at play in my life in relation to my expectations about getting into seminary. I fully expected to get in to seminary, and when I didn’t – I was crushed, devastated…even left feeling a little humiliated. Going forward, I am definitely trying to open up my expectations…learning to live, well – learning to live more in the middle…
TENSIONS
Next, fast forwarding 6 or so years…along come the sermons I listened to last summer from Scott Scruggs over at Menlo Park Presbyterian’s Sanctuary group. I cannot remember exactly in which sermon
I first heard him mention this concept…but the concept is what sticked. I am completely paraphrasing him…but he often says something like this:
Living the Christian life is often about learning to live in between
knowing for certain about (x, y and z) and
not knowing for certain about (x, y and z).
It is about learning to live in the tension in between.
This “living in the tension” state has played out in my life in relation to my faith in things like:
~ Where is heaven and hell?
~ Does God really condemn people to hell for eternity for this finite time on earth? Or is there something more that perhaps we don’t see this side of heaven?
~ Can I still believe in Creationism and God and believe evolution is possible?
~ How are people saved? What makes a person “saved”? Do I judge another person’s salvation status or not?
And on and on and on….I remember feeling so free the more I thought about this stance, of living in the middle of knowing and not knowing. Why? Well, it gave me permission to not have to have all the answers; gave me permission to be searching and exploring and questioning – lather, rinse and repeat; gave me permission to live in the present with where I was in my journey, not having to pretend to fully buy into every one else’s thoughts.
In a way, it helped me realize I was okay being just me as of today. Not of who I hoped I would one day be or ashamed of who I used to be…but the me of the right here and now. The one who doesn’t always know heads from tails, north from south, right from wrong…but being okay with being a confused, 30 something year old who is just figuring out how to live emotionally as an adult these past month even though my physical body has been adult for some time.
ACTIVE INDIFFERENCE
This tension living was revealed to me in yet another way when I heard Patti Pierce, from
Wellspring, speak at an event this past November. The way she put it resonated with me in a different way…even though the more I look at this stance I see it is really the same as the first two. She encouraged us to learn how to actively be indifferent.
What? What does this mean? Well, here’s a brief description:
Patti talks about taking those things in our life that we absolutely, deeply and truly desire and instead of trying to close our fist around them…instead of clinching our fist tightly around our items of “sand” – she encouraged us to open up our fist so the item(s) would sit squarely on our hand. The point being that we have to actively get our souls to such a state that we would utterly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would be okay, we would be alright whether or not we got the item placed back in our hands. That our identity, our self-worth, our souls were not defined by the desires of our heart that we tend to cling onto with closed fists.
Do you see it? Do you see how all three stances are all about living in the middle?
For me, I have found that by actively trying to live in the middle has helped me tremendously be able to realize that I can live in the present and fully enjoy where I am at. Whether I am in grieving or in joy – that my peace doesn’t come from those states of emotions…but from really learning about:
~ how to live my life with less and less expectations out of myself, out of others and out of life
~ how to live my life in between knowing and not knowing for certainty about myself, about others, about God, about life
~ how to live my life actively holding my desires in a “what is it to me if I get them or don’t get them?” type of stance.
I would be a fool to say that I have arrived fully at this stance in my life in regards to all my desires or that I have fully done away with all my expectations. I know – as well as you do my dear reader – that I am a work in progress. AND….and I know that until one of those desires is either fully removed or expectation revealed, that I might really not know how well I am doing at holding my palms open, about living in the middle — or, without even my knowing, if my fingers have started to curl back around the desire.
FOR EXAMPLE:
To be quite honest I live many days as a single mother thinking “This is great, I love this. I never want to be in another relationship again!” But then again, on other days and in other situations I realize I am a woman drawn to the opposite sex and realize that nope, underneath it all there is a desire for connection in that matter. That I do want to be in a relationship where I can see the other for who he is and be seen for who I am.
So which is it? Do I want to be alone or do I want to be in relationship? Well, for me – I am right now in the middle…and quite okay with that. If something later down the line happens – well, I will be open to it…but if not, I am not going to dwell on why it is not happening for me. {Again, I fully know that the last part of that last sentence – well only time will tell if I can fully live in that stance long-term.}
So what does any of this have to do with God being bigger than the Christian church?
Ah, such a good good question and I am so glad you asked.
Let me start here. I wrote the bulk of the last post right after getting back from Hawaii about 2 months ago. I have continued to grow and change over these last 2 months…and I think have come back to a much more middle of the road stand. Living in the middle, right?
While I still believe that God is bigger than any of us can fathom or imagine….while I still believe that He works way outside our typical American thinking Church….I know that He can work in the American Church as well.
~ I have seen God “save” people on the beaches of Florida during wild spring break parties using the four spiritual laws.
~ I have seen God transform peoples’ lives through churches that proclaim women have no right in the pulpit or as an elder or as a co-leader in their home.
~ I have heard amazing stories of lives being healed out of drug/sex/alcohol addiction and the like using programs such as AA.
~ I have first hand experience of God removing the shekels from my eyes and giving me the freedom to chose to move out of an abusive relationship with what I look back and see as a very fundamentalist, limited interpretation of the bible.
But is it that God works through these means, or in spite of these means?
I know, I know this might be just a matter of semantics if you will.
Yet, when I look at the first way I get a sense that this puts God in a box and makes our ways of reaching people – well like we have figured God out and can label the exact route for others to figure him out.
However, when I look at the second – the “in spite of these means” – to me this makes God so much bigger and mysterious – larger than life. It says that we, as mere humans, can attempt to put definitions and “laws” to the way God works – but in reality God is outside of all those means…for His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts.
Regardless of which way I see how God works, I just want my readers to know
that I am NOT slamming the Church.
I feel that God has given me too much understanding through my healing process to ever do such a thing. I feel that if I did such a thing – I would be crossing over that ever so slim, narrow line that I don’t want to cross into: judgmentalism.
No, I think I am getting myself to a point where again – I can live in the middle of realizing I don’t necessarily believe in the same means to get someone to God as you might…yet
~ I can still leave room in my heart for you to believe what you believe and pray that in the end – God will do His thing in both of our lives – in all of our lives. That He will continue to bring heaven down to us little by little in which ever way we chose to allow Him to do this.
~ I can honestly say I don’t really know what it takes to “save” someone at this point. To me, that it is a work of the beautiful, powerful mysterious Holy Spirit — and that when I get to see it and by chance be a participant in this mystery – all I can say is “Wow!”
~ That I am doing my best to accept all people where they are at in their journey – letting go of my desire to control things, to be right and to prove I am right, of my expectations of what everyone else must believe in or what their faith must look like.
So, while I have many issues with the way many of the people are running the Church in this day and age…my own personal solution is not to bash them, to point out everything they are doing wrong, diss them and leave them (and if I am doing any of this I am sure you will let me know so that I can continue to grow!).
No – my point is just to say that there might possibly be another way for others to come to God other than what most of us have known. That the Church as we know it might not be just a big building with great programs and powerful music and spark-your-interest types of sermons…but that the definition of the Church might continue to metamorphose outside of this traditional building into something completely radical and different and …well 1st century-like.
Really – I have no idea myself…I just get a sense that this is happening all around me…that all around me people are learning that God isn’t restricted to the “temple” anymore…but that the Spirit of God is free flowing to any who would welcome Him…that just like me trying to learn to live “in the middle” of the tension of life….
God is caught in the Middle…
and perhaps He is quite alright with being there….
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