I could never have imagined that in just a few short weeks I would have garnered such an audience to read my random posts …and that in those who would read, that they would leave their thoughts on my writings in such a manner. I never could imagine that I would be challenged almost daily in my review of what is being written in these comments in ways I was neither ready for nor expecting. While my heart had hoped that I would have found a more accepting, less critical audience…or at least one that would read and think, “Now that is interesting, let me ponder that and see what I come up with,” I now realize how foolish I was. The eternal optimist I am – I once again get a swift kick in the derrière every time I turn around. I had wished to be able to be one of those writers that lovingly spent her free time answering her comments so each person knew they were heard. I now realize this optimistic view is not going to be my reality. If you would like to know why, please read on…
I have to thank you really – all of you that leave your comments for me. For they actually help me come up with new material to write on…especially in a time when I could be having a writer’s block – your comments help refresh my juices.
Yet, the bigger thank you is for this: I have never had so many opportunities to check my own thoughts and practice grace. I wish I could say that my immediate response to each of your critiques of my writings was to immediately be sympathetic and kind. This is not so. My first reaction is to want to lash back out at your comments, to come back with a really witty and sarcastic remark that would hopefully sting just a little bit…just enough to get you to stop. In reality I know this would only spur both sides on in a never ending battle of the internet wits.
Instead, after trying one witty comment and hating the way I felt afterwards, I have learned to “sit” on your comments. Then I check myself…then I ask myself is this really who I want to be…and usually after about 24 hours of “sitting”…then I find myself calming back down and realizing that in answering your comments, in engaging in your rhetoric – I am no better off then who I was last year before I began this journey. Personally, I have come too far this last year to regress now.
My goal with my life is to grow to be more and more like Jesus…to allow Him to continue to prod my heart, that I would reflect more and more of Jesus in my daily attitude, in my patience, in the way I treat others. Sometimes that heart prodding leads to me being overwhelmed by the injustice and hate and judgement and downright yuckiness we extend to one another instead of love. God how I pray that I didn’t have the heart I did sometimes…with all the personal pain I have going on in my life – the last thing I want is to feel God’s pain in my heart for His world. Yet, this is who I am…and in part is what drives me each day to keep going…so while I know others would say wait until my own life settles down a bit – this just wouldn’t work for me.
A dear friend of mine says that I need to toughen up my skin if I am going to be writing publicly. I thought for a bit, “Well, yeah – I guess that is what I need to do.” Yet, as I drove today I was thinking about how I strive to be someone different – someone who doesn’t wait in line and who does stand out in a crowd (much to my dismay most the time). The more I thought about this though – the more I realized that growing thicker skin – well that might work for other people…but it is just not me.
I have always been a tender heart…and while it really sucks big time in moments like this – honestly I wouldn’t change it for the world. For me – it is what connects me to God, this heart of mine. It connects me to God, lets me know that my feelings are real and valid and that what I feel in my heart at the all the craziness going on in the world – including the comment section of this blog over on Crosswalk.com – all that craziness is just A FRACTION of the pain He feels for the state of His world.
Some of you pray for me to learn my bible more or to tout the typical Christian rhetoric – or others of you pretend to know what is in my heart and what I am trying or not trying to do with my writing. I want you to know I try to read all of them…and that I will not be trying to harden my heart to your comments that sting me….not in the least. No, I will let them sting, I will maybe even cry over some of them and question myself…question my own thoughts, doubt my own work. For I can understand your points, honestly I do because again I have stood in your shoes. The old me probably would have used my witty writing style to leave a poignant, long message for the writer of the blog as well.
However, praise be to God – I know that I am called to write and to share my story of crossing over to the other side. As long as God has that call on my life — I will write. Even if I have no audience – I will continue to write. Not to offer guidance or counsel as some think I am trying to do…but simply to share my journey of how…
