“To know what you prefer instead of humbly
saying Amen to what the world (or Church) tells you you ought to prefer,
is to have kept your soul alive.”
~ Robert Louis Stevenson ~
Italics added by me
I have to leave for a while. I know I have said this before…that I would be taking time off from my blog…and then I have come back. I realize this is a pattern that my soul has been trying to break out of…and it took me getting really sick to the point of so much physical exhaustion that I could not deny any longer what my dear Body was asking me to do. She has been through so much in my short life…and it is taking everything in me to fight the Voices of Patriarchy, the Voices of our Culture…in order to step outside of the world I have lived in order to give myself space, time and distance to really heal as I need to.
It only makes sense that this is what I need to do considering this is what I keep asking all of us to do…to step outside of our Cultural System that drives us at breakneck paces our bodies physically cannot handle any more. At least not mine…and I would bet most of us that are daily “plugged-in” to this world wide web.
We are so driven by money, information and linear progress that we cannot see how our Bodies are screaming at us to wake up. From the constant influx of colds and flus that plague our society to the chronic diseases that are killing us…our Bodies have had enough. They are screaming at us to slow down, to be present with them and each other…to find real connection to our Souls…even across these things we call our bodies…
…To find real connection to our Mother who connects us all – the Earth. She is our Route, our “Umbilical” cord if you will…and She will not lead us astray. Just as a mighty Tree with beautiful flowing branches dies as soon as He falls over and His routes are pulled up from the Her, the Earth…we are decaying and dying as we continue to ignore the fact that we are not part of this world…as we deny that we have cycles and rhythms that not only reflect the Earth Herself, but are a very part of Her rhythms…as we try to live separated from our very source of nourishment and daily bread.
It is taking every last reserve I have in me to decide to walk away for as long as I need to in order to sleep, eat well, let my mind be present without formulating ideas and material…for me to learn to just be. It is taking every last reserve for me to not explain myself fully and my own self-discoveries as to why I first joined the Church and now why I need to leave the Church…
For all of this is NOT what the World nor the Church nor the Voices in my Head most of all want. They keep screaming at me that I must be making straightforward linear progress or else I won’t be worth a dime…that I will be missing out on the world and everything that goes on if I disengage with this WWW in order to be with this World.
My decision to leave the Church is really a decision to also leave the WWW and the World – for I have come to see that they are all driven by the same exact thing. This singular decision – while perhaps being the hardest I have had to make to date – I think is saving my very life in more ways than one.
My decision to leave my writing on this blog and to slow down birthing my business is also my attempt to step out of our Cultural System…and to put into practice what I must first learn to practice before I can teach/share with others.
My decision to pull into my “Mother’s Womb”, to plant myself squarely in the deep, dark soil of Her nourishment so that I might find my true Route System again, so that I can find a way to grow a strong, sturdy Trunk that will shoot up through the “darkness” and “murkiness” of my “pond”…well it is showing me that perhaps there are reasons our bodies get tired and depressed and sick – for these are all signals to us that something is going wrong that we need to pay attention to.
As I have said – the “darkness” is not bad nor wrong nor scary if you allow yourself to see why it exists, if you take a step back and look at the coin with BOTH sides visible at the same time. If you practice “rephrasing” as I am so keen on doing.
Darkness is part of the FULLNESS of life. We all started off in complete and utter darkness, inside our mothers’ wombs being carefully knit together in that deep dark cave. This process did not happen over night, but took 9 long months – at least for most of us.
Sometimes, for Creation to happen, the Creator has to go into the deep dark crevices, to remove the Light so that we can fully see ourselves without the benefit of “sight”.
This will allow us to become fully one with ourselves, becoming fully one with our own Divinity as we learn to integrate all parts of ourselves just as the Divine is fully integrated into One.
I will return when I am ready…and I have no idea when that is. I will publish one more piece from the series that I was posting…and will perhaps return at some point to discuss more about Spiritual Abuse or will save that for a book. In the meantime, I will set up my blog to start from the beginning. I figured if for no one else it will be good for me to read again some of my own self-discoveries…and my prayer is that – as I keep saying – you will use me and my writings as a mirror to reflect back to you those things about yourself that are locked in your subconscious that are wanting to be brought to light and “eaten” so that you can yourself “wake up” to the fact that you can discern “good from evil” and in the process realize that this leaves you with “free will” in order to make choices.
