MY PRE-MOON FLOW RITUAL: BLESSING IN THIS SPACE

THE PRELUDE

I am so full this cycle.  I am only into day 23 and yet feel as if I my womb is about to burst.  It is if as She has been reaching down deep into my body to FINALLY pull out all the un-needed shit I have stored for years unbeknownst to my conscious self.  She is giving me a big “Hurray!  F-I-N-A-L-L-Y!” that she gets to let go of this baggage that I have been keeping for this cycle.  I only want to sit here and focus on breathing and setting my intention for releasing as much of the abuse as possible during this cycle.  She looks like she is about 3 months pregnant right now…and there is no sign that I am ready to actually begin the bleeding any time soon.

 I feel fear and pain right now, as my pre-moon flow uterine contractions begin.  I feel much like I did on my last birthing experience – stuck in limbo of not wanting to birth the baby within in any way, shape or form …while also not wanting him inside of me any longer either…and certainly not wanting to die.

 As I paced the long driveway in the brisk late October air by myself that I had a talk with my soon-to-be-born son and told him that it was time.  I was ready for him to get out and to meet him, that I was also scared for more reasons than I can list…but that it was time and I needed his help.  Little did I know this was invoking my own Sacred Prostitute archetype of helping the bird leave his nest…but with this little talk I found the reserve in me to allow myself to surrender to the overpowering force of the birthing process.  I quickly become unstuck and he was born within the next 2 hours.

 Two weeks ago, as I looked at this story from my past, I realized the only way to get through my current situation with a certain energy I found reoccurring in my life was to invoke the same part of my psyche of the Sacred Prostitute Lover by practicing the art of surrender.

 THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS
Today, I realize that I am again at the same point.  So full already, with the New Moon on the rise as I type…scared of releasing this flow for reasons I have yet to identify (aha – maybe that is where I need to spend time next!).  I feel stuck, bloated, crampy – ou

t of my mind, beside myself with pain.  I feel I am in some wicked House of Mirrors, a sterile museum of a maze for all to see as I walk around bumping into distorted images of my current life that are screaming at me, laughing at me, telling me they are real and wanting me to come after them, to search them out and prove myself right.  These images show up in my most recent relationships with men I thought were trustworthy, in men I long ago decided were not trustworthy – and with women who I see too much of myself in.  These images want me to believe they are real, or at least only have one way to look at them.  These images want me to doubt myself and the only things I KNOW are reliable for me in the recent months – my feelings, my root, my Yoni and Her messages, my prophetic and spiritual abilities and the connections I am learning about through my energy work.  I want to lash out at these images with my accusations about their untrustworthiness, about how they have hurt me time and time again…of why I am justified to lash out, run away, hurt them back for the hurts I have suffered.

Yet, they are just images…I can see that now.  They are just reflections of the one person I cannot see – and no not just the initial Other – the one society tells us “should” be the protector of a the Princess and her purity, her “virginity”.  God, no they are not just hiding this Other as I thought they were just a few moments ago in my journal.  No this other, this man is simply just another taunting screwed up mirror showing me the reflection of the one thing I cannot see…am not really wanting to see in this hell hole of a place I find myself in.

This by far is the scariest place I have found myself in these last 3.5 years.  For these mirrors are not really showing me anything Other than myself, and the deep well of hate and pain and confusion I have allowed myself to buy into about myself, about who I am, about who I am not.  It is not really these other people in my life that are the problem, nor is it really the outside appearance of their stories that I am feeling.  No, I am feeling right through these images not only into my subconscious pain – but into the subconscious pain of the generations.  Of not just the centuries, but of the millenniums.

It seems fitting that the etymology (the study of the origin of words) of the word “pain” is the Latin word “poena” which means punishment.  For when I feel this age-old pain of the world, it feels like an ancient punishment fragrant with the stench of urine and foul play from the dirty old prison chambers in the Old world, topped with the iron-clad shackles around my entire being.

I have had little time to unlock the doors to see what resides in this basement, this prison chamber.  Yet the two times I have, already I can tell the well is so freakin’ deep…and that I am barely breaking the surface here.  I cannot even sense the middle of the well, let alone the bottom of it.  Only the top surface is being presented in myself at this time.

I feel as if I could rant and rage and wail, pound my fists into the ground or the hard brick siding until they are bloody pulps every day for a year and still not come to the end of not only my own energy but the energy of the stories I am now hearing around me – and of the voices that have not been heard from generations past.

Perhaps I will be surprised at how quickly I will get there, yet I am not in a race and I am not going yet whole heartedly even engaged in this process…I have no expectations on myself this time around.

For one that is gifted with the art of pulling out of the depths the secrets of the past, of the spiritual, of the sacred and brining them into light with words that bring meaning and understanding – I stand in the face of my greatest challenge as an artist thus far.  It quite frankly might be years before I find my way back up the stairs from the depths of this pit that is all consuming, illogical, reeking with death and decay with any semblance of meaning through words.  Or perhaps I am going to be directed into a new form of art, one in which words become unnecessary…or one in which I will set my body in motion to music that moves me and allows the words to stream through the movement.  Now that is an idea…

THE RITUAL

In the meantime, onto my ritual.  I picked up this practice from a combination of wise women – Sara Avant Stover (the Way of the Happy Woman), Lisa Schrader (AwakeningShakti) and Sabrina Chaw (A Feminine Feast)- and added my own touches.  My version is simply to journal two things starting with an intention for the month then moving into stream of consciousness* as I write.  I then finish with some type of embodied visual practice that I generally allow myself to create as I go.  I allow my body to be full of visuals as I close my eyes and seek to understand that which is not understandable in words, just in the body.  An idea is below.

1)    What am I shedding/releasing this cycle?  What old energies are being removed from me?  What do I no longer need to hold on to, that no longer serve me on my path?

2)    What am I making room for this cycle? What seeds am I planting, what seeds am I cultivating, what plants are growing and how do I need cultivate them?

1)    What am I shedding/releasing? The pain, confusion, and disillusionment this act I experienced has brought upon my entire being.
The mistrust, the hurt, the crazy-making, the belief that I cannot trust my feelings, that I am not valid or worthy of love.  That I am not allowed to feel love and thus experience love within my soul that is wired for the sensations of feelings. That no one knows what to do with me, so what the hell do I do with myself.  The subconscious belief that men, especially men that look or sound like him…that they are not trustworthy, that I must run away from them, watch out for them, wait for them to prove me right – they are untrustworthy.  I am releasing the idea that I cannot evolve past this blockage in my life, that I will always be blocked energetically from my Beloved because of this trauma most of the world has suffered in some ways, shape or form.  That I am not strong enough to move through this…that I must run away, shut down, tighten up…move on as soon as possible.  That my reality based on my feelings and emotions is not trustworthy since my feelings/emotions are so volatile and unpredictable…and not proveable by modern science or theology nor concrete evidence that what I feel and sense in my body is actually true for me.  That I might be going off the deep end, allowing my imagination to run away with me instead of actually expanding my consciousness into Oneness.  I am releasing the fear that I am stuck full of this blood and all the old energy that it holds within itself…that I cannot part with it without tremendous pain and discomfort…or that I cannot bear the pain and discomfort this flow might come with.  I am releasing the thought that I should not return this blood to the earth, fearful of releasing this energy back to Her…when Her blended with Him are the only essences that can transmute this blood of death back into the marrow of life.  I am releasing the stillborn seed of love I planted last cycle…realizing that this seed was planted with subconscious doubts and fears that would have acted out the stories of unworthiness hidden in the basement in different ways.  I am releasing any energies that have yet to surface that are wanting to be noticed, heard and released and that are still blocking my full knowing of who I AM.

2)    What am I planting? Strength for this journey of healing.
Pacing myself to know it doesn’t have to all come out in this session, in this moment.  That I can move it when I am ready, and that I can take time to rest, sleep, nurture myself…to be with my kids and my friends.  That I can and will find joy in my daily routine and in my dance.  That I will find ecstasy and my connection to my Eros in many ways, and that I can still enjoy the pleasures of my sensational body.  That I can continue to call out to be lovingly ravished by the Divine Masculine in new and comfortable ways so I can continue to be broken wide open to Her Power of Life and Love in all Her/His forms.  That I can believe in the magical, mystical, mysterious ways of the Magician as He appears and disappears from my site, knowing that He is truly trustworthy to deliver to me with His magic the secrets of my Soul Box that I am opening in my own time, in my own way, 11 times 11 times 2…with nine lives to the infinity of eight.  Strength and courage and perseverance of heart to continue to read the signs and trust the body.

With this, I believe I will pull in and use a visual of the Light to invoke the cleansing of the old and the planting of the new.  I will feel the White light of Father Source merge with my spine and root me into the comforting Darkness of Mother Earth…and be done with this session today, knowing I have shed and cried and moaned enough for the moment, feeling an ease up from the cramping and the tension within my womb and knowing all is well with my soul, with my Soul for the time being.

*Stream of Consciousness: writing without care to editing, punctuation, grammar or to make sense.  Allows one to tap into the Right side of the brain – our creative subconscious source.