As the debate in the Christian circle continues to grow…as Christian seems to be pitted against Christian in this battle…my heart is so sadden and burden. I know people will read this and interpret my words mixed with their own thoughts and backgrounds and think I am saying something different than what I am trying to express. So let me be as careful as I can with my words to express in words what I am not fully sure is expressible in words…
I understand that Christians feel like they need to express that they have convictions. I fully understand this need and this desire to stand up for what they feel is right in this day and age where sin is rampant and it feels like righteousness is at stake…
I used to be one of this need…I felt I was doing God a disservice if I did not voice my convictions about what was Godly or not Godly…if I didn’t tell others where the line is and that they were crossing it.
I ALSO understand the desire of those on the other side that want to flaunt their FREEDOM to do as they please in the Christian’s face…that they aren’t going to be defined by what Christians say and they will blatantly show Christians that not only do they NOT stand for what Christians stand for…but stand for the exact opposite.
I understand all of this because I have been on both sides…in the intimate setting of a marriage. Sure the externals were different – but the internals are the same. I know first hand – in only a small measure in contrast to my gay sisters and brothers – what it feels like for others to stand by their convictions instead of standing by me. I have experienced first hand what it feels like for others to say they are still “loving” me but cannot support me or be friends with me because of my choices.
I had Christians telling me what the Scriptures “say” about divorce and how that was not an option for me…I was a strong opponent of divorce for any reason. If someone was divorced, I might not say anything to their face…I might support them on the outside…but my thoughts about how the hell they could have let themselves go that direction when it was not God’s will were loudly bouncing off the insides of my head…I shudder to think of my thoughts and my heart…
Yet, one day I woke up to find that I was in a marriage that was dead…and had been dead for a long time. Not only was the marriage…but I was dead as well. I, a dead person inside, had been trying to do CPR for quite some time on a clinically dead marriage…and it wasn’t working. God oh so gently began to show me that I had a choice: I could continue to try to do the CPR on a dead marriage with a dead body …or I could let go of my idol of my marriage and my husband and my family and turn to Him.
So, here I was…presented with an option to do what I had always condemned. What I felt God had always condemned. Following this choice before me, I was sure to be shunned by others in the church. Friends that I had once stood by in agreement about divorce, would now decide to chose their convictions over me. Can I fault them? No, not really…
I chuckle – in an ironic fashion – at how all this has turned out for me. Imagine my surprise when I realized that God did allow divorce for more than what the commonly held beliefs were in our current Christian circle…and I found myself on the other side of what I had always condemned. Just like Paul, I had to eat my words as I lived the experience of what I had always set out to condone in my heart and with my words.
This does something to one’s mind and heart and soul. It humbles them…it makes them pause and realize that ALL the convictions of others in the world do not matter – do not help another to find their way in this world…ALL the conviction and expression of those convictions do not lead another to find Christ and the true freedom He brings.
