Finally – right? I’m finally getting back to this series and seeing if I can finish it up…but then again, life never seems to finish so I won’t make any promises!
First, a recap:
I started this series based on a comment I had seen over at (in)courage based on the fact that this young lady was sad because she had wanted to be married by her age…and she didn’t know what to do or how to handle her heartache. This set me off down a path about how all of us – as we grow up and get married or not – have dreams that we are looking to fulfill…essentially looking for others to become the fulfillment of our dream. That many times – especially if we marry young (both in age and maturity) – we marry in the dream state instead of reality. Many marriages survive the “wake up” call from that dream state – and marry marriages do not. Yet, either way and in either state – married or not – that we unfortunately have to work on “becoming the right person”. Yet, what does it mean to become the right person? Honestly…I am still not sure what the heck that phrase means…and that is where I am starting today.
Being a firm believer that sometimes one has to reword phrases in order to understand them more fully or in a different light…I think I would rephrase this saying “becoming the right person” to “becoming the person you are created to be”. That – to me at least – seems to take the focus off the desire to make myself right for someone else – or at least that connotation that phrase carries these days. Instead, my new phrase, is focused on helping me grow into what is right for me and for God. For while another person might be a good initial catalyst for someone to start change…in the long run I firmly believe a person needs to find intrinsic reasons to change themselves. It is a heck of a lot of work, not fun at many, many points…and if you can dig in deep and tap into that part of you that desires to be whole and healthy and in whole and healthy relationships – you are bound to go a lot further than if you are working on yourself just in hopes of it attracting a mate.
Going further, I’m realizing that part of growing up – whether you are married, single or divorced – is figuring out what dreams or expectations you have built that are based on childish dreams or childish expectations…and learning how to let them go. Letting them go so you can grow up into the adult world and learn how to have adult relationships…ones that can go the distance because – because they aren’t based on childish, selfish dreams that only serve to disappoint. Why? Because the adult world doesn’t ever end at, “They lived happily ever after.”
Here are few things I have done as I’m learning how to grow up emotionally:
1) I start by asking myself a lot of questions, such as:
“Is this childish, selfish – based on fantasies…or is it realistic?”
“Is this what I know is true for me – or is it based on what I think has to happen in my life because of what societal pressures says life should be/should look like? Is this really me?”
“Is there a real need stemming from this dream or fantasy that I have?”
“Is there some character trait in my “dream person” that possibly I need to develop in myself instead of looking to them to fulfill that in me?”
“Is this dream/fantasy possibly a cover up to divert my attention from something else I really need to work on? What am a really feeling here? What thoughts are those feelings coming from?”
“Am I getting stuck in an old thought pattern that always leads me down the same behavior pattern, and that always turns out poorly?”
2) I’ve started to look to friends that I know are already on the trajectory of “being adult”. I ask them what is healthy and realistic in relationships. What does it mean to really love someone, what does that look like, how does that play out in a real life marriage? If you are like me…you might not have a heck of a lot of healthy friends and might need to spend time going out and making them. Or maybe you just don’t realize the healthy friends you have cause you haven’t developed those friendships. Yet, I can promise you this is not a waste of time at all – and something that will benefit you for years to come. Or, if you current friends are interested in growing…why not go out and explore together? Challenge each other with good questions. A basic one is just “why”…”Why do you think/believe that?”, “Why do you need that?”, “Why would that fulfill you?”…etc.
3) Counsel of Wisdom: One thing I learned recently about the Jewish culture back in Jesus’ day was that they had a counsel of men assigned to the boys who turned “men” at age 13. This counsel of men was in this young man’s life for the next 17 years – until the man reached the age of 30 (which is the age most people believe Jesus was around when he started his public ministry – how cool is that!?) Basically, this counsel was around to help the young man learn how to make wise, prudent decisions…to help grow the young, childish boy up into adulthood. I think we need to bring this back – what do you think? Establish our own counsel of men/women…of those a few steps ahead, a decade ahead and a few decades ahead. Sounds like a good idea to me!
4) I’m part of a recovery group through Life Skills…a group of people that focuses on building safe place to get real. There are tons of other groups out there, not just recovery groups. And if you can’t find one you like or that fits, you could always start one. But not just a bible study group, or a book club…but a group that really shares their hearts and souls with each other, so they are in essence trying to help “grow” themselves up.
Growing up is not a short, easy process. I don’t think any one has ever said it was…in fact I think there is a song that says, “growing up is hard to do,” (or maybe it was “breaking up” – which is also hard!). Growing up, letting go of childish ways – of learning to wean yourself off milk so you can eat the yummy adult food …well it isn’t easy and not for the faint of heart nor the lazy. Having to learn to take responsibility for ourselves, our own thoughts and actions, our dreams and failures…well a lot of time it downright sucks. It takes a lot of introspection – a lot of learning to sit in some very uncomfortable spots that you might not rather sit in …or realize things about yourself you’d rather not realize…of learning to integrate your entire being into yourself – of becoming an Embodied Soul – which is quite a daunting task I am finding.
I am also finding that it is well worth the time and effort. It is allowing me to break free from listening to that small, nagging voice of deceit that says, “you won’t surely die by staying where you are, by believing in your childish dreams,” whatever those dreams might be. This voice is wrong, and I found it was killing me, maybe not physically – but spiritually which certainly has wrecked havoc on my physical body in other ways.
Yet, instead of listening to that voice, I am learning to get still, to sit still and listen for another voice…one that speaks compassion and love into my life, that reminds me who I am…that reminds me I can never be lost if I am with HIm…and this voice, this voice is allowing me to step into the Truth – that is – the reality that Jesus brings to the table. So I leave you with this question I am left asking myself:
