Please take a moment to pray: For both you and me. For you, that you will be able to hear what I say in this post with compassion and honesty…that you won’t try to ignore the stats I give because they are uncomfortable, that you will ask yourself one little but very large question, “What can I do? What is my part?” And that you will stick with me for the next couple of posts. They might feel like cliff hangers…but my goal is not to overwhelm you in your busy life with too much reading from me…but to get you to take time to stop, to really stop and think over things I feel I need to say… yes, because it is my story – but also so many other people’s stories that are around you, hurting, lost and searching…waiting for someone to notice. And maybe you are the person that needs to be noticed – that needs help from God thru me.
For me: please pray for I am taking a risk in saying what I am about to talk about – sure an emotional and spiritual one – but also a very real, tangible physical risk for me and others.
I have been wrestling God on speaking up for weeks on an issue, trying to make this be about my timing…giving Him excuse after excuse why it was not the right time to speak up, “not quite yet God.” All the while, I keep hearing this still small voice ask me, “Who will speak for me?”
Note: This is a reference I recognized form Isaiah (one of the major prophets/foretellers in ancient Israel) where God asks Isaiah, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”. Now, I am not saying I am some major prophet or very important person…for I feel God calls all of us with these words.
I would always answer, “God I will, you know I will!” And I do, I do open my mouth in public to random women the Lord keeps bringing me to…to friends that I have just met and their husbands…to pastors and to young gals. I don’t really have a problem when I can judge whether or not the situation is safe to say something…where I can put “teasers” out there and see if the bait is taken. But as far as here on the blogosphere… “no it isn’t time! God, you can surely see that it is not time, right? I need ‘More time!’ (NEEDTOBREATHE)” But the voice kept asking me, patiently, kindly.
I tried to put a post together last Thursday, was almost done with my thoughts and editing when a phone call from a human literally stopped me in my tracks. I immediately thought that was the Lord telling me not yet, but now I see it was not Him.
This brings me up to last night when I had a reality check straight from God. God brought me to a place where I ran smack dab right into myself, 15-20+ years ago…to a scared, hopeless little girl who was at the mercy and hands of another for her well-being – and that person abused her position entrusted to her at my expense.
As I drove home last night thinking about this, my heart was breaking: torn into tiny pieces for myself as that young girl; burning and becoming ashes for all who are oppressed and held down by others for their own personal benefit. I thought about how I have always hated – purely, righteously hated injustice…even if I could not see I was living in injustice myself. I started to think about all the things I could start doing, as is my tendency…to jump right into the end goal without doing all the pre-work to get to the end goal.
When I arrived home, I felt compelled to write, but wanted to ensure I was in the right state of mind and so spent the rest of my night doing my bible study from Biblical Counseling Foundation called Self-Confrontation. I do not mention this to say, “Hey look at me – aren’t I so great?” — for if you know this study or know Jesus – one thing you realize the closer you draw to Him is how completely, terribly wicked your own heart truly is.
Confession time: I have done my fair share of hurting others…out of selfishness, out of spite and my own hurt. I have said things to people for the mere “sport of hurting them”, justifying it by the hurt I have endured. But this study, this study has shown me that I can’t merely look at myself with a passing glance and point the finger at others…even if in my book I’ve only done 10% or so of the hurting. This study, by ALWAYS taking me back to the standard of God’s word, has shown me that I STILL need to address my 10% first, to make amends between God and myself, and where needed — between that person and myself. By doing this practice, by looking at myself first, I find that God’s voice is becoming louder and more prominent in my life. This is a completely biblical practice…and I wish with all my heart those of us in the church would practice this more:
You hypocrite, You actor! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:5 (NIV, words in italics are my addition)
As I sat with some of the realizations the Holy Spirit brought to me last night, I grew sleepy and decided to wait until this morning to see if I still felt the call to write. Surely, enough…just before the dawn started to break, my body started to come out of its “Slumber” (new song from NEEDTOBREATHE…and my inspiration this morning!). As I lay there, I heard a new question, much louder and prominent and directed right at me, “Holli, will you speak for me?”
I would love to say I jumped RIGHT out of bed and came straight here to start speaking for the Lord…but I didn’t. I was still tired and wanted more sleep, but the answer was no. Then I needed to get breakfast, get my coffee (which was an ordeal seeing my cream had gone bad and so had to go out to get it), had to check my email – even had to read my Psalms for the morning! Can you say procrastinator?
The truth is God gave me a promise over two years ago that He would: protect me, that I would not be put to shame; that He was to be my Husband; that any weapon formed against me would not prevail; that my children will be raised by Himself and that their peace will be great; that my “city” will be rebuilt with beautiful colored jewels; that I will be built back up in righteousness and that He has compassion on me (Isaiah 54). He has continually repeated this over and over again since last fall. Even this morning He once again told me in Psalm 119:46, “(You) will speak of (My) statues before kings – and will not be put to shame.” For all of you experiencing suffering at the hands of another – I believe with all my soul this is a promise He loudly proclaims for you too.
So, I have to ask myself what in the world am I waiting for? Can I really deny God what He wants of me any longer? Can any of us? Are my thoughts and ways better than the One, THE Father that created me? Am I ready to put my faith into practice and to find God’s promises true? Yes, I am – and may it be to me as the Lord has deemed right.
My biggest confession for the morning: For the better part of 20 years, more than half of my life, I have lived in the oppression of abuse of power by others. I know I am not alone. That many of us feel the shame and guilt of being told things that are not true; untrue things that keep us from speaking up — for we have deceived ourselves into believing the enemies words thru another person.
The statistics about abuse of power are way too large in our modern society. Just the statistic for intimate relationships blows me away: 1 out of every 4 women will be caught in an abusive relationship at some point in her life…and this isn’t just the outright hitting/punching/stabbing/etc. physical abuse I talk about…for that is usually just the culmination of months and years of verbal abuse in order to get the “victim” to accept and blame them self for these unjustified action.
The saddest part to me is this statistic is at least the same within the walls of our churches in America. A place that is supposed to be God’s refuge for the oppressed and downtrodden has become desecrated and defiled by abuse and injustice. That the “brothels” aren’t just in far off lands that we read about or see once in a while on the big screen at church…but that they are right here amongst us.
