A Fear of Com..Commitment…and how to start moving into it.

I am putting this up front: I am com…comm…committing to blogging 3-5 days a week (like that don’t you?). This is will be my personal journey of birthing my Soul purpose into a biz as a single mom and woman living in the outrageous Silicon Valley. And obviously getting into and thru this fear is the first step!

I used to blog regularly and found it HEALING…and others did too. These will be stream-of-consciouness posts. I hope that you find these posts helpful, inspiring, encouraging, and permission giving – allowing you to step further into you and your SELF than each and every day. If you like them, please like and share them on Facebook, Google, Twitter and beyond. Thank you for your inspiration and love all these years!
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Hi. I’m Holli. I’m a single mom. I’m birthing this business Radiant Mama Coaching – desiring to help moms who have lost their sense of self – to rebirth themselves, their power and their voice.

And I have a confession – which you have already seen since you have read the title: I have a fear of commitment.

Yup. It’s true. I would say that my fear rivals that of any Peter Pan complex in that of the male species.

Where does this fear come from?
OMG – you HAD to ask that didn’t you?

Okay – well I do know where it comes from. It comes from a life where all I did was COMMIT.

To my school “career”. To my swim team. To all the extra circulars that get you into college and then get you the “j.o.b.”.

Then there was the commitment I made to a “god” and the faith and the man named Jesus that came along with it. I was devout, ultra-committed to the point that I applied to seminary after my divorce – because I wanted to serve “my god” with my commitment full time.

Next came the commitment to the Big Brother machine and the daily grind, including commitments to my workouts, my church and the teams I took on as part of this organization.

Then of course there was the commitment at the alter of marriage…and shortly after the biggest one of all – to becoming a mother.

With that last commitment – the mother one – came the birthing of my fear of commitment. As I look back over this list, I realize that all of those earlier commitments gave me little freedom in my schedule as they required me to be places at certain times. This gave me structure and certainty that comes along with that type of structure.

Yet when you step into the world of a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM for short), all these other commitments take a back seat to the one of being a mother. Your schedule is now at the beck and call of them…and it is downright freakin’ almost impossible to commit to anything going forward. At least that has been my story.

This schedule has driven my crazy with its “unknowing” of what will happen next and of having to be in charge of my own structure.

However, as I have allowed myself the amazing gift of time to heal not just from my marriage but from an entire life filled of trauma, abuse, neglect and abandonment – I have fallen so deeply out of what I would call the Masculine quality of commitment and structure and INTO the feminine free flow of “what’s next?”

AAAaaand…I really like my schedule!

It allows me to not stress – for the most part – when my boys wake up with a wet bed or a bad dream. It allows me to take time off from my work when I need some personal time.

It has allowed me amble time to rest. To sleep! And to play. And to find my gypsy soul self!

Yet – I feel my feminine head that was forced into so much commitment that is required to live in our western world – well she is rearing her head up against the healthy masculine patriarch that I have re-birthed in me.

He is saying, “Okay my dear. It is time to put your amazing powerful voice and gifts into play in the world. You are ready. And those that want to invest in themselves with you are ready.”

She is saying, “But what about all the ‘Me’ time I need just to feel rested and healthy? What about my playtime? My dancing? My kids tire me enough, I don’t want to be more tired by others. No, no, I’m not ready. Don’t you dare try to get me to commit to an-y-thing!”

So I sit at the crossroads between these two sides of myself that I love and adore deeply.

I love this deep Feminine voice, sensuality and power I have discovered within myself and know the freedom she needs in order to be in her fullness. I don’t want to give up my time to be with my kids to be with my work – and yet I do at the same time.

I also love my Strong Masculine essence, the one that helps me have really good self-discipline, helps me get to where I need to get and provides me a masculine nourishment I missed out on for all of my life. And he is saying he knows we need to get cracking for the very real need of survival in the outrageously priced San Fran Bay Area.

Enter the wise voices of my elders. “You do not have to give up anything to do your work. You live your work. You share your life – and your message – while being with your boys.”

One of these wise elders suggested that I commit to blogging over the next month while the boys and I will be on the road most of it. “What, commit to blogging?? To technology? Are you crazy?? That feels like a death sentence?”

Yet here I am, typing my first stream-of-consciousness blog post in what feels like years. Using the Nike motto “Just do it”!

Wanting to gently push into this fear I have developed -not just of commitment but also of showing up to be seen. To start working with it, soothing it and being real with it. So that IT doesn’t become any bigger and take me away from this dream and my purpose of encouraging women (and men!), to give them permission to be more of who they are each and ever day.

I have to admit that this doesn’t feel good. Making this commitment to be on here – living my life in front of the world again, although I do it on FB still quite a lot. Typing doesn’t feel as good as it used to. Maybe I’m just rusty. Maybe I just desire to be in the non-verbal dance more now.

Or maybe it is just that freakin’ fear of commitment rearing its head.

And this post so didn’t go where I thought it would.

But this is real. This is the real life of a woman who left her marriage in pursuit of fully healing herself, of fully living her true SELf and to be free.

The real thoughts and feelings of how incredibly frustrating beautifully difficult, gut-wrenching hard and draining it is to birth something out of me that I’m still not even fully sure what “it” is.

More rambling thoughts tomorrow about why I do not actually see my fear of commitment as a “bad” thing whatsoever…just to add a twist. Join me tomorrow to see what comes out of me next!