Great – how did it go? Were you able to pin point anything in your own life that would reveal a little bit of an addiction to any of this love stuff? Are you brave enough to share with me or at least another close friend? You can always post anonymously! Now, on with the show…
As I drove down the highway heading home I started to get “fixated” on one of the tag lines… the “move on” tag line specifically. That in an essence would seem to have fit my pre-married state of approaching the opposite sex. Did I ever deal with this in my marriage? At first I would have said no…but of course I did…it just masked itself a little differently; yet, I can clearly see the pattern throughout my life.
As I drove down the highway heading home I started to get “fixated” on one of the tag lines… the “move on” tag line specifically. That in an essence would seem to have fit my pre-married state of approaching the opposite sex. Did I ever deal with this in my marriage? At first I would have said no…but of course I did…it just masked itself a little differently; yet, I can clearly see the pattern throughout my life.
My pattern was this…as probably many girls (and some guys) that have a relationship phobia: I would admire a good looking boy from afar, get to “know” him through friends, watch him swim at meets, try to sit closer to him at class, redirect my path so I could pass him in the hallway or at a party to see if he would notice me, maybe go as far as flirting with him if I had the courage – or even once in a while getting really brave and calling him (!). I would fixate on what it would be like to be his girlfriend…and dream about the “happily ever after” I just knew I was destined to have with my “prince charming.” Now, most of the guys I had a fixation on probably never noticed me or my obsession…for I don’t think I really wanted to be in a relationship with them. No, that was too scary for a multitude of different reasons. I just wanted the “high” of imagining what it must like to be in love from a safe distance…one in which I didn’t actually have to be real or to step out of my shell and thus allow myself to get hurt.
The few guys that I did some how allow in past the “afar” stage of my fascination…those would proceed like this: I would then obsessively start looking for something, anything that would make this prince charming polluted so that I wouldn’t have to commit to anything…in other words once I found out that he was human – he was out of there! As quick as I could, I would be moving on – looking for my next “prince charming”.
Looking back at it now, right before I had met my husband, I had had a few of these run ins…of guys that were supposed to be good Christian guys that never mess up and never do anything wrong, right? A couple of the guys were in the worship band of the group I was involved with, yet I felt like it was some reality TV show the things that happened. Another that came from a great back ground, was super sweet and made me laugh…but never seemed to be able to make the move. Now I realize he was probably just taking the healthy approach to building a relationship…but I wasn’t interested in this at the time.
Then it happened, one cold and rainy evening…in walked my “prince charming”! A guy that “stood” above all the “pettiness” (but was actually just real life) that I had been through in the last few months…that seemed like a real man without the faults of these others…and I was swept off my feet into the fairy tale I had been waiting for. Even my youngest cousin picked up on my fairy tale, writing this cute “fairy tale” story and gave it to me for my wedding.
However, this fantasy that I lived in was just that…a fantasy. And while I am sure many girls – and guys – marry another in this “fantasy” stage and are yet some how able to break out of DisneyLand into the REAL world safely, together and still keep the marriage in tact. However, others of us, we wake up one day to find ourselves right dab in the middle of a nightmare – our “prince” has become a slave master in a sense…our desire to find Mr. Right led us right into the wolf’s trap from Red Riding Hood. Even if you are strong enough to get out of the wrong fairy tale…if you don’t deal with your LOVE addiction…it might very well pull you back under time and again.
This is the work that the Lord has brought into my life over the pass few weeks. I would like to think that I was mature enough not to still fall prey to my “fairy tale”…but I have come to realize that for one…escaping into a fairy tale sure is a lot nicer than living in the life I have made and am now trying to rebuild.
Furthermore, as I was researching some of these definitions I discovered that one can have addictions to relationships that are not based on romantic feelings…for example to a counselor or friend that helps you through a difficult season of your life. You can feel utterly dependent on this person for help…wanting them to just tell you what to do, make your decisions for you, etc.
I discovered last night I had one of those too. For when I found out something that this person was struggling with…a real sin that I was quick to judge for what I felt were valid reasons…I found myself right back in high school, wanting to run away from that relationship and never look back. “How could this person struggle with THAT? Don’t they know how horrible, awful that is …especially being in the position that they are in?” I was disgusted, revolted and ready to scream at my hatred for what we do to other people…even unknowingly, with our selfishness. I kept screaming at God and shaking my first at Him, yelling at Him that He better rethink this whole thing for I totally wasn’t going to be friends with someone that struggled with THAT.
I discovered last night I had one of those too. For when I found out something that this person was struggling with…a real sin that I was quick to judge for what I felt were valid reasons…I found myself right back in high school, wanting to run away from that relationship and never look back. “How could this person struggle with THAT? Don’t they know how horrible, awful that is …especially being in the position that they are in?” I was disgusted, revolted and ready to scream at my hatred for what we do to other people…even unknowingly, with our selfishness. I kept screaming at God and shaking my first at Him, yelling at Him that He better rethink this whole thing for I totally wasn’t going to be friends with someone that struggled with THAT.
I almost walked away from this friend…and almost allowed myself to do something really stupid in the process. What stopped me? I only have one word: God. Yes, as I sat and confessed my hatred at what I saw in the world around me, not just with this friend but with everything that had happened in a span of a few hours last night – I heard God asking me some really tough questions:
“Have you never struggled with sin? Specifically, have you never struggled with this same sin?”
“Have you never struggled with sin? Specifically, have you never struggled with this same sin?”
“Well, yeah, God I have…but…but this person shouldn’t struggle with it…how can I ever look at them again knowing their sin? I’ve looked up to this person…especially at this point in my life. Now this? “
“Why are you upset with this person? Are you upset with them because they are struggling or because they were open and honest with their life…”
“Both Lord. For the sin because it heaps red hot coals onto what I have already been thru. Yet, if I am really forthright, because they were open and honest…and it saddens me.”
“It saddens you why?”
“Because now I see that they are human and that stinks.”
“Yes, they are human…just as you are…and I love you both. Oh, how I love you. Does it scare you that this person is able to be so open and honest…and that they will ask that of you?”
“Wow, You nailed that one on the head Lord.”
“So, are you going to turn your back now, now that you know this person needs you just as much as you need them? Don’t you think this person just wants to be seen for who they truly are, ugly sin and all…and for you to still care and love them? Will you learn from your past mistakes and trust Me in this and in all your relationships?”
“Wow, You nailed that one on the head Lord.”
“So, are you going to turn your back now, now that you know this person needs you just as much as you need them? Don’t you think this person just wants to be seen for who they truly are, ugly sin and all…and for you to still care and love them? Will you learn from your past mistakes and trust Me in this and in all your relationships?”
“It is just too scary Lord…too scary. I don’t want to be known …I take it all back. I want to just hide in my shell and forget that I told people I had something to share with them. I really don’t want to be THAT open and honest with people…not really.”
A long pause ensues as I wait for God’s reply back; yet I hear nothing, nothing but His quiet patience as He waits for me to continue on, to dig deep within my soul and find the resolve that I know He has given me, somewhere tucked underneath the guilt and shame of my poor decisions, “Okay, okay! No, I don’t want to be who I was…so I will…so I will…I will trust You,” I say back to Him – with my head turned back over my shoulder, eyes tightly shut, lips in a tight line grimacing as my feet slowly inch forward…like a little kid jumping off the wall into the pool the first time – afraid of what the water will do to her.
A long pause ensues as I wait for God’s reply back; yet I hear nothing, nothing but His quiet patience as He waits for me to continue on, to dig deep within my soul and find the resolve that I know He has given me, somewhere tucked underneath the guilt and shame of my poor decisions, “Okay, okay! No, I don’t want to be who I was…so I will…so I will…I will trust You,” I say back to Him – with my head turned back over my shoulder, eyes tightly shut, lips in a tight line grimacing as my feet slowly inch forward…like a little kid jumping off the wall into the pool the first time – afraid of what the water will do to her.
I hear myself going on, all of it pouring forth out of the cistern it has been stored in…”I don’t want to live like I have lived in the past. I want to develop REAL friendships, to be REAL with people and not put on the facade that I have in the past…one that just leads to pseudo-emotional bonds with people. So, yes, please help me continue to put myself out there…and if I am a slobbering, crying emotional wreck for a while over my sin and those of my friends…so be it. I do NOT wish to hide from anyone anymore who I truly am…most of all from myself. And I do not want others to hide their true selves from me…for I see now that to be like Christ, we all have to have the freedom to come to the well just as we are.” (John 4)
How about you? Are you ready to take the veil off and to let in the light of the sun…to let it shine in the deep dark secret places that you are afraid if people see they won’t still love you? I hope that you will let someone in…maybe me or that new kindred spirit you found just the other day – for I have heard this a couple of times lately…that the two most comforting words in the English language are, “me too,” meaning, “I struggle with that too…”
Vert thought provoking!