I think…no I KNOW you can say that I have hit the phase of the grieving process where I am just flat out freakin’ angry. Angry at men, angry at the men I have allowed into my life…angry at women for coddling childlike men – allowing them to play the “victim” with them, making me look like I’m the enemy. I’m angry at myself for being one of these women.
I have so much energy pulsing through me right now. It is like the sensation I imagine Bella must have had as she lay on the table with the Vampire venom raging fire and havoc on her human body…trying to hold in the screams of searing pain.
That is what my blood feels like right now. Like it is a raging fire and unlike Bella – I need a way to let it out. Now…this very minute before it consumes me and I do something that I will regret.
I am going to speak honestly about what I am tired of, what is causing me pain and that is surfacing as anger. Knowing that as I write the only person I can really do anything about is myself…and that that in the end is the sh*tiest feeling. I have no one to blame but myself for making the choices I made. If I try to blame any one else, then I am playing the victim and handing my power to them. But perhaps in writing on this keyboard, in pounding out some of my anger I will see myself more clearly and be able to know which way is up and which way is down and which way to go next.
As I’ve moved on this accelerated path over the last few months, I have as you have read in my posts learned about the Sacred Prostitute. This word I am sure is an offense to most, and that is why I changed it to Sacred Lover. Both are terms I am growing more and more fond of.
The main concept or idea that I have decided to apply to myself from this archetype is that this part of my psyche allows me to cut off old parts of me and from me that are no longer serving me to grow up into a fully expanded human/divine adult soul. In doing so, I am able to see where I have been co-dependent and where I have allowed myself to make choices out of that co-dependency.
And no where is this being reflected to me more than in the idea of the interactions between men and women – especially in intimate relationships.
So, what Holli Christine, am I tired of in regards to the co-dependency I see in and around me?
Well, I think I said it best to a dear friend – who happens to be in a masculine body – just now. He asked me yesterday what he could do as I am going through this journey that is full of ups, downs, twists and turns. In short this is what I said.
“Freaking continue to step up and be a man. Know who you are at your core and hold to it. For when the right woman comes into your life, she is going to test you. That is what the FEminine does to the Masculine. If he isn’t strong enough in his core to take this testing he will either cower, put his tail between his legs and run. Or he will try to make himself bigger and more important and lash out at her and abuse her and try to make her wrong, tell her she is crazy, try to control her or manipulate her into becoming smaller or something she is not out of fear for himself. Or he might try to fix her, make her more like him.
In any of these situations, the man is like a magician…creating the illusion that he is strong enough to fan the flame of love that he so seemingly wants to be part of in her life. Yet, in the end all of these methods – running away, abusing or fixing – are all smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors. They create the illusion that he loves her and wants her and is different than the others…but in the end they are all the same end result. I am left alone, head spinning, confused, bewildered and trying to undo myself from the merry-go-round in order to find myself and my own core again. And I am just tired of men that cannot stand up and be men. Learn to just be with what is in women and know it has nothing to do with you and yet everything to do with you!!!”
And that is where I think I am the angriest right now…for as I step further and further away from my last relationship that I thought was so different…I realize that it was once again a huge learning lesson. The same lesson that resulted in the end of my marriage wrapped up in a different, kinder, nicer package…yet the same freakin’ lesson. One that has my head continually spinning for so many reasons – still – months later. One that I seem to continue to spin and learn from and one that won’t let me off the crazy circles it started in me. One that at least in one way I now see how I bought into the archetype of the Magician’s Ways – the Magician in both of us.
I did not yet realize that purpose of going slow and testing the masculine Strength in order to see if It could stand the test of the Feminine Power. I did not yet realize the importance of standing in my Sacred Lover stance – not in order to put up unsurpassable walls and to close myself off – but to see if the energy matched the physical reality and then some.
In the end, the promises, the words, the actions could not hold the banks of the powerful river that was unleashed in me…and I am left – just like from the other men that I have allowed into my life – to try to get unravel myself. In short, I allowed myself to get f*cked and it felt good during the time…and now, months later, I am trying to sort it all out and get un-f*cked…and while I know in the end this is all part of my own journey and process…it doesn’t diminish the anger that is finally coming to the surface.
It doesn’t give me any relief from the feelings of being so tired and pissed and full of rage at experiencing the lack of masculine strength in the world that continues to allow the women and children in this world to be acted out upon by men that cannot find a way to get it together. To stop flinging their own projections out onto the world – onto the Feminine and expecting us to make it all better for them, to take away only what they can take away for themselves.
I am also tired of women allowing men to come to them with sob stories of other women in their lives that have made these men feel like victims…buying into their stories, sweeping in like a sweet doting Mother and trying to make them feel all better about themselves, allowing them to play the victim card instead of insisting that they grow up, fly out of the nest and find their own two feet.
God – I just want to scream at all of us to freaking STOP…STOP looking at the Other as the problem. Stop looking at the Other to take the blame for you. Men, stop playing women, stop coming to us playing the victim card and start looking at your own smoke and mirrors that you are freaking creating for this world. Just STOP.
And women, stop falling for men and their victim cards that play the magic on us. Stop allowing men to separate us from one another, to play us against each other and to make us enemies out of each other…instead of looking towards each other to stand our ground, to cut our men off FINALLY from the breasts that our mothers couldn’t seem to cut their sons off from…and insisting that they grow up and stop abusing us, running away from us or trying to fix us.
All of us need to freaking just STOP!!!!!!
Believe me, as much as I want freaking yell at all the people in the World right now…I know, I KNOW that I am not guiltless of being one of those women I am upset with. I have fallen for the Sweet Magician in many forms and I am paying for it. I wanted to be the one woman that could love that one man into his strength, into his highest calling, into his purpose. I am learning from it and I am making my own adjustments. I am realizing that I might just have to be alone – maybe for a months, years or the rest of my life. I do not like this prospect.
Yet, I am determined to not be part of this old feeding system of relationships that is destroying us, our bodies and the planet, literally. I am taking stock of my old patterns and old ways and learning where I need to do things differently going forward. I am not willing to coddle men, to help them or allow them to play victims in their lives any more and I will stand up to them when they attempt to do this. For I am not willing to play victim in my own life any more either. I am just so done with that…
I am willing to ask myself the hard questions, to take a good hard look at the mirror that has been presented to me and to make the changes that need to be made. Here is just a glimpse of some of the questions that I will be gleaning from:
Am I really that scary to men? To women? Am I really that fiery and demanding of them that they feel they either have to try to piss on me, intimidate me or run away from me? Is there something I could do to still stand in my truth of what I want in my life and of this world, while still acting in love that allows others to draw closer to me?
What am I doing or what am I lacking of in myself that leads me to still choose men that cannot give me what I ask for, what I want and/or what I need? Why do I still choose men that do not yet know who they are at their core, and then react to the lack of that knowledge by acting out their own projections on me? What am I still lacking in myself, what do I not know about myself that leads me to choose these type of men?
And how is this all related to the sexual abuse that I experienced…and the memories that continue to surface? What other secrets have I hidden from myself that need to come to the light of day, to be processed, moved through, healed and re-written?
I definitely am in a real uncomfortable place. It is dark and dingy and for the life of me – I want out. I feel the anger pulsing and raging and wanting to flail my arms into anything, anyone at the moment to get it out of me. And yet, I am also committed to sitting in this dark place. I asked the Universe for it…still not being fully aware of our human/divine capacity to co-create our own realities…I asked to be kept in the dark so I could continue to learn my lesson on surrender. God, with everything in me – I wish I could change this. God with everything in me – I would never change this.
Paradox…the ironic paradox of life, love and the human experience….
So, can any good come out of this anger? Yes, it seems that anger has its purpose…and I will let it be so.
