"Can we talk?" – the extended, uncut version

“I like to write as if I’m already in the middle of a conversation to a dear friend…”

I think the line goes something like this from Kathleen Kelly in You’ve Got Mail.  I couldn’t agree more.  Grant it she was writing to her anonymous “boyfriend” and I’m writing for…well – I really have no idea.  I suspect I write mostly for my friends…some from childhood and some from my current life.  But I know that I do get a few people I haven’t personally met as you 5 people have left me comments. I thank all of you though for reading my random thoughts and opinions and my very personal journey.

The thing is…for some reason as of lately I have been unable to write.  I’ve wanted to write – and even as I type this it feels really good to be writing again.  Yet, something has been stopping me from writing and I’m not sure what it is.  So I figured I would just start typing and see what comes out.

I have to be honest with you.  Can I do that?  I know, I know  – you of course are nodding your head saying, “Aren’t’ you always honest with me?”…and I’d have to pause and say, “My goal is to be…but I’m not sure I’m always honest with myself!”

FEELING LOST
Okay – so let’s get real…or let me get real.  I’m a little lost right now.  Okay maybe not a little – but a lot.
I am not even really sure why I feel lost.  I know the promises God made to me last year…maybe more like revelations about who He made me to be and what He potentially has in store for me within His kingdom.  Yet, as I start back to work and get more and more busy with that and the kids…I am just feeling lost.

~ I feel lost as I discover more about God, I realize the less I can understand about Him.
~ I feel lost as I try to pull the pieces of my life together, I realize the more pieces of my life are still hanging in the balance.
~ I feel lost as I try to figure out how to live like Jesus, yet realize the culture is a force larger than life that keeps pulling me backwards.
~ I feel lost at church and find myself questioning everything about it, yet realize I need community and am afraid that God might be calling me to something different. (This is perhaps not just another post – but an entirely different blog all together!)
~ I feel lost as to why I even feel compelled to write this blog and to share intimate details of my life with you.
~ I feel lost on how the hell all the pieces – from the far reaching promises I heard last summer to the day-to-day grind of life with small kids and a job – are eventually going to fit together….

Why do I bring this up?  I really have no idea…as is the case with so much of why I even write.  If I had to guess, I think it has to do with time…and how as I transition back into work and the kids’ school schedule – my time time to read, think, ponder, question and write will be shrinking.  This “shrinkage of time” terrifies me – for how am I to do what I feel God is wanting me to do with so limited time?  (PLEASE: I know the pat Christian answer for this so please don’t leave this in the comment section…)

NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR, AND MORE FEAR
Then I look at the stats for this blog and start to question even more.  With my shrinking number of posts, my numbers are dwindling fast…and I am faced with a dilemma.  Where just a few months ago I remember saying to my critics, “I will write for myself even if no one else reads,” it seems that this might be the case.  With dwindling interest from you, I have to question myself:

~ Am I being relevant?  Does no one care what I write about anymore?
~ Do I need to have more structure like Rachel?  Or do I need to work on my writing style more?  Do I need to be more researched?  Or maybe I need to write LESS and say more ( a really hard one for me!).
~ Was I just a “one-year hit wonder”? (If you could even say I was a hit in the first place!)

For these reasons and more – I have been afraid to write.  Not just afraid, but literally feel a little paralyzed even in my writing.  My fears range from being real with you, a stranger…to having no direction with this blog…to being afraid to commit to direction…and the big one…to having yet another thing I try my hand out fail.  I can hear the voices saying that if I don’t clear up my direction…if I don’t get some sort of outline for this blog and cater to what the masses want…then I can kiss it good-bye… and it will be just another thing I have failed at.

CAN I REPHRASE ANY OF THIS?
Gosh, I certainly have a lot of fears still lingering about, don’t I? And those pesky internal voices that I thought I was putting away…well, obviously aren’t all put away yet.  How can I expect them to be?  They have had free reign in my life for years – decades actually.  I guess they will eventually grow more quiet…but it certainly takes a lot of time AND hard work.
The ironic thing is, I’ve been wanting to write a post entitled “To live comfortably or fearlessly?” for quite some time.  Just a few weeks ago in listening to John Ortberg’s book If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get out of the Boat I was reminded of the spirit that lives in me somewhere that wants to live this way – fearlessly.  To live as if I already knew to the depths of my soul that I am loved beyond measure, beyond my imagination.  
“What would it look like if I lived like that?” I kept asking myself.  “What would I do differently if I realized what others thought about me didn’t matter…BECAUSE I am already loved beyond my wildest dreams?  What if I was ALREADY accepted just as I am?”
Lastly, as I have been writing, something else has been popping up in my head – like one of those little gophers in the game with the mallet.  In this sense, though, the gopher is a good thing and the mallet is my negative thought.  Okay – so in another book I am listening to (How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership) I heard the author say that personal stories of how people change are what people want to hear…are what get others to think about what they think and question those thoughts and beliefs.  
If this is the case, if sharing my personal journey on how I have and am changing is more likely to get others to consider their own beliefs…well, I guess maybe that is why I write this stuff and maybe this is why I keep writing.

A PLAN NOT TO PLAN
With that, I think there is another possibility for me in all this with my blog:

I keep doing what I am doing…not for you, not for any of the other 4 readers…but for me.  I keep documenting my journey out of personal bondage as it happens – without any real plan or guarantee ~ for my best laid plans, well I can hear God chuckling at those.

So for now, I am not going to focus on my craft of writing or how much I write or when I write…but just write the real, raw truth of life and how shitty it can be most days…but also include those moments where it is good and I feel the joy in it.  I will keep writing about my negative self image and thoughts and share about how I am trying – and often failing yet learning – to rephrase those thoughts.  I will continue to share my thoughts on books I read, things I hear and the like…as it applies to my ongoing struggle to rid myself of judgmentalism, criticisms and the like.  I will continue to write about how I am trying to “grow my self up” emotionally and what that looks like.

And I will pray with an utmost urgency that those of you that do read are challenged to see beyond me and my struggles…that the point of my sharing is to point you to a greater Truth that is at work in me…and that that Truth can be at work in you as well.

That if enough of us are challenged by this Truth…that there will be an ever so small shift in our society…a shift from trying to control everything and everyone besides ourselves, a shift away from bullying and using power, abuse, nagging  and passive aggressive or plain right aggressive modes in our relationships…a shift away from using social status, gender and gender roles and other classifiers in our culture…

…to learning that the only thing I can control is myself…
…that I am an individual just like my neighbor and my enemy are individuals…
…that I can become mature enough to be who I am and find the internal strength to let others be who they are….
….that when I do this, I find the freedom that Jesus came to give us is mine for the taking…

…and in doing this we are set free to continue the work of bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth –

an Earth where there is no more fighting for power and control among nations or among spouses, 
where no more innocent suffer at the hands of the rich, where no more women or children are forced to use their bodies and lose their souls to please another…
where no one feels outcasted by the judgements of another…
…an Earth where being male or female, rich or poor, gay or straight, slave or free, left or right, up or down, in or out… just doesn’t matter to any of us…

Will you dream of that Earth with me?  
Will you work on yourself so this Earth can become a reality?

3 Comments

  1. Hey, Joy Gal, I hope you do continue to write. Many of the issues you are struggling with mirror my own. I thank you for your courage and your words. “I feel lost at church and find myself questioning everything about it, yet realize I need community and am afraid that God might be calling me to something different” This could be me. Have you read “Dance of the Dissident Daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd? Incredible book.

    I will continue to watch for your writings.

    Much Love,
    Kate Gluvna

  2. HI Kate,

    Thank you so much for your kind words and your inspiration and encouragement for me! I will add that book to my ever too long list of books to read :-)! I’ve heard of some other ones (also on my list and not yet read): Reimagining Church and Pagan Christianity both by Frank Viola. If I only had about 6 months of time to sit down and read everything – that would be cool!

    And I will keep writing…as I said I’m not in it for every one else, or to get the high numbers. Decided a while ago pursuing a publishing deal at this point is not what I want to do…I don’t want an editor or publisher directing my writing – so I will write when I have time and energy and motivation!

    Thank you SOO very much for reading and I hope you will continue to leave me your comments when you do.

    Blessings,
    the Joy gal

  3. Hi Again Kate,

    I just read the intro to this book and have to say it will be top on my list after I finish the ones I am in now. I am inspired and touched by Sue’s intro and it seems to me that her journey will definitely help give me some clarity on my own. Thank you again for sharing!

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