“Are you crazy?” he asks as he moves into a hug after hearing me announce I am transitioning out of his dance container and a community I love. “Why can’t you continue to dance here?”
“Yes, I think I must be to live this life I am living.”
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I have to be honest that my fingers have had that ol’ familiar itch to get on here and write this post today – and was a bit frustrated when it took me almost all day to get here. I’ve had a least 5 different ways pop into my head about what I would write about and how I would start this posts…just like I used to when I wrote more often. Progress already in helping me overcome my commitment in least a small way!
The other commitment I have taken on is to use my time more efficiently – a very masculine trait. I have the tendency to ramble and self-edit like no-ones biz…so I am setting a time limit I can work on these posts if I am going to do them daily – 30 mins, give or take :-).
Yesterday I wrote about my fear of commitment. Which is only half true.
The other half is that I am ruthlessly, fiercely devoted and committed to my own Self and healing, to the point of selfishness.
So much so that this commitment led me out of a marriage that wasn’t serving me.
So much so that this commitment led me out of the Christian Church and a faith that were the foundation of my life.
So much that I have asked the Universe and myself to WAKE ME UP (you know that song right…isn’t it great?) if I am not living in alignment with myself.
And this last month – boy have I ever been awoken up by this commitment to myself.
In a matter of a few days, I was made aware of that the time had come to leave the aforementioned dance community – and another dear community that has been in my life for 3 years and been the foundation of helping me step into my womanhood power.
Why – why would I do such a thing?
I didn’t even listen to my own voice saying the words in the closing circle of the dance that night until in my therapist’s office yesterday, “I’m committing myself to stay in my local community and to help the transition of the local dance community as it shifts.”
Little did I see that the commitment to transition out of one community and commit to another one – well little did I see this of COURSE had more to do with me than I thought.
Which I really knew deep down if I was honest with myself. I knew there were other reasons I was leaving the dance space than what I shared live that night.
And in a matter of less than a week I see the beauty of how all things in my life work for my good – and bring in the lessons I need to learn at this point in my journey.
As my therapist and I continued to talk thru my recent choices and what was going on in my life, I realized that I was allowing myself to give my breasts and my milk (don’t get all literal on me now!) to people and causes that were beautiful and real and so in line with my own….yet they were and are not my own.
I had mentioned this to my friend of the dance space the next day when we talked. That I realized I often had a co-dependency on men that allowed me to pump my ideas, heart and energy into their stuff…while knowing I WANTED TO BE DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
I want to be coaching women and helping them change their world so they can change the world.
I want to have a dance space that plays amazing beats and is sacred and fun and a place to heal…and that gives people permission, full permission to BE WHO THEY ARE!
I want to be able to stand on my own two feet in this crazy Silicon Valley – and know that nothing will stop me from creating, birthing, womb-i-festing my dreams into reality.
I know I can do it….I just have to get out of my own way.
So what is my lesson in all this?
I don’t know just yet. I wish I could wrap it up for you in a nice neat package…but that is the masculine side of life – always wanting a 3 point list of how-tos. I don’t live in that world always.
I love living into my feminine side that IS crazy with Her chaotic, random and powerful ways…
Okay but back to my processing. Hmmm…so there is something there. I can just feel it. Let me listen in for a second so I can hear myself and see if what the question is.
Oh, the commitment issue. Yes, I am SOOO Thankful that I have shunned the world’s idea of what we “should” and “need” to commit to in order to be a “successful” human being.
I am so thankful that I have committed to being selfish with my self, to pull my Self into myself these last 4 years. (shit timer went off, have 5 more mins to wrap this up and post…oh the pressure!)
By being Self-ish I have learned is the way to become a fully mature emotional adult. And is the way to eventually come back out into the world to offer my gifts from a place of fullness, abundance and wealth – instead of being a dried up cracking well.
Being Self-ish has taught me so many immeasurable things – like that I have deep gifts – like being able to “hear” and feel from the other side of the veil to know this is all an illusion…and to do it without drugs or the like.
And that my friend allows me to live a life where I am called “crazy” – and I can fully own it without trepidation.
Because a woman living fully in herself, owning her gifts and her powerful voice – well she will look CARZY AS ALL HELL to the rest of the world.
She won’t put others first – especially men – but choose to leave people, relationships communities and jobs that don’t align with her calling.
She won’t look like the mother that does ANYTHING for her kids till the point she is their servant and then blames them for making her one.
She won’t stand for being any freakin’ muse to Jesus – but claim to be the Christ Herself.
Cause even Jesus himself said the foolish (i.e. crazy!) things of this world are really the wise.
And yea – I think I will even go here: she will be so freakin crazily committed to herself that she won’t give credit for her commitment to some God/dess, Universe or Divine – but fully own that it is Her, she Her Self that gave her the call that she is following.
That is the power of commitment to being Self-ish…to fully owning her power. Oh yea!
Here’s a little post I wrote about what it means to be selfish and distinguishing that from narcissist.
Note: went a bit over my 30, but all this feels good…hope you enjoy the journey. Thank you for liking and sharing with your friends as our stories are medicine for each other. Click here for more posts on how I’m committing to myself and I invite you to see yourself in me :-)!
