Hope you enjoy!
It was marvelous for as I just typed those words it dawned on me that I am RIGHT where I need to be with my creative self. That while I do not feel productive in a linear, progressive manner…that EVERY single bit of LIFE gets started in CHAOS. It always has, and always will. It is in the pregnant void of the WOMB of LIFE that we all begin in, as a mere blob with no apparent shape or structure…and that as I write even this, more of the seemingly disordered “mess” that has been floating around in my head and body these last few weeks…well, I’m seeing that I just need to rephrase those labels to see that I’m in good company. Just like the potter and her clay, the momma and her embryo, my “embryo” of cells is moving along the process of creating life. It might not flow as I would like or as my analytical, masculine-linear-progress-mind is accustomed to. Yet I can now see that all of life, all of the art we see around us, all creations (businesses, inventions, technology, etc) starts first in chaos and that it is my extreme pleasure and torment – if you will – to mold that piece of chaotic clay into what I envision.
My question to myself – and to you – is how in the world can I rephrase this issue and become at least a tid bit more comfortable sitting in it?
Let’s see if I can work through this with you watching:
1) Identify both sides of the Dance – the Masculine (linear) & the Feminine (free flowing) energies
(Masculine) Our society has completely trained us that chaos is…well is chaotic and not good for progress. That is hinders us, slows us down and puts obstacles in our way. Everything on the surface of me is telling me that I need lots of structure and organization – being that I come from a Business background – in order to work well and move forward towards changing the world as I see it.
(Feminine) Then there is the HUGE side of me that wants FREEDOM to wander on this page as much as I want. To write and play and laugh at my own whim because I have constrained myself for so long, for so many years and I do not want to be boxed up any longer. In doing this, I have some of my BEST self-discoveries that allows me to be more at home in myself.
2) What conflicts are arising from these two sides?
The constant voice of “reason” telling me to be more focused, even an old tape that “God is a God of order”. This voice is pitted against the “crying” of my creative side to let loose, pleading with me to help Her just go for it and not wanting to hold up the sides any longer.
3) What physical feelings am I experiencing?
When I slow down, pull in and close my eyes, I can sense that this is what is creating a slightly upset, nauseous tummy. My breathing is more shallow and my pacing is faster then my mind can keep up with. My mind is disoriented and I feel at a loss as to what to do next…becoming less productive by the minute.
4) What are the best intentions of both of these sides for me?
(Masculine) “To have a concrete framework so I know progress is being made. That steps are being taken to know I can provide for you financially and physically. I desire structure with freedom.”
(Feminine) “To have a free, safe space to play and be nurtured. To know the universe is the limits as far as your creative/mental capabilities. I desire freedom with structure.”
5) What is my ultimate desire?
I am always wanting to buck the System, to do things differently and not revert back to my old ways that in the end led me into an unhealthy life. I want to learn how to dance between these two realities and know that they BOTH have their place in my life.
6) How can I take all of these insights and re-work them into me so I can hopefully relax and ban the uneasiness in my body?
This is the amazing part. As I sit here and type I realize this is the work I am already doing believe it or not. I am creating boundaries within my DAILY, WEEKLY, MONTHLY life so I can relax fully into those times to let me be fully present at each moment. I guess i just needed to get it out, get out the free floating thoughts that are running up against the secure structures I’ve always had in place in order to see it outside of my Embody for once…and that in doing so I will now start the process of consciously bringing these truths that both sides of me need IN TO my body in language that I came up with myself – that resonates with me.
“Create Structure with Freedom so that my Freedom can have Structure.”
What does this look like in a more concrete way?
I’m still playing around with this – and that again is the freedom that I so desire. But it looks like mapping out my weeks and my months a bit more so that I have free form time to brainstorm, mind-dump, create in chaos without having to “produce” anything concrete.
* It means I have days and times in those days where I have more structure to meet with Coaching partners, check email, check things off the to-do list.
* It also means that I have days and times in those days (perhaps 60-90 mins some days, and perhaps 8 hours other days) to let my fingers wander across the keyboard, or to get out a notebook and start writing down all my marvelous, “chaotic” thoughts and words…
* And then I’ll step back into my masculine energy to see if there is any solid form that can come from the “chaos” generating time…what meaning I am trying to create.
7) Embody Check-in: How am I physically feeling now?
More at peace, calmer with a clearer mind of what I need to get done and how to get there. Breathing deeper and will get up from my computer in a minute for a cup of tea and a bit of afternoon dark chocolate. Will move around a bit (maybe dance 🙂 to incorporate this new message that Structured Chaos gives me a way to dance with both my sides!
