Facing My Demons #2 – MPPC Main Sanctuary

I know, I know – I totally owe y’all the review of the concert.  And I wish I could get to it – but for some reason the review is just not coming out…my one area of writer’s block for the time being.  But I will keep trying until I get it!

For now, I wanted to bring you back to the sanctuary with me…for I feel I finally got some answers from God on this…and once again I have been totally out done as far as imagining a great story line!

When I left the sanctuary on Wednesday afternoon, I was both happy and relieved to be going (there’s that love/hate relationship popping up again):  happy to have some answers and perhaps clarity as to where God is taking me, but also relieved for the feelings of angst were still there and I could only take so much.

So today, knowing that I would be going back this evening, I think my body literally decided to shut down.  See, lately I’ll wake early, and my mind just takes off (if anyone needs help with some story lines, please let me know – I seem to have an over abundance of them!).  And then on the flip side, have a hard time shutting down at night – not too unusual for me.  But today, I did this routine…and about 2 hours after being up, I went back to bed (I know my momma friends out there, you are too jealous of me).  Then I was up again for another 2 hours – and yep back to bed again.  Finally yanking my self out of bed around 2 this afternoon – I knew I better get going or I would never make it out of my house in time for the 30 minute drive and some time to spare – so I could warm up to the sanctuary again.

As I started the drive, I questioned myself if this was really necessary to go on my Saturday evening instead of sitting here typing and hanging out with my “new best friend” of a computer, or perhaps watch Pride & Prejudice just one more time.  However, the car didn’t turn around and somehow found it’s way onto the highway and up to Menlo.  As I drew nearer, the same trepidation and uneasiness in the pit of my stomach kicked in – just as it had on Wednesday.   I kept telling my self this was ridiculous, that there was nothing hanging in the balance between me and a building…it’s just an old beautiful building that I happened to go to every Sunday for several years a long time ago!…,Yet my training from my class in Life Skills tells me otherwise.

Whether we like to admit it or not, our subconscious – which is referred to in the Bible as the heart, the soul – holds all our memories just like a database on a computer, starting from the 3rd trimester in our mother’s womb (isn’t that cool?).  It doesn’t know what to do with those memories, how to process them or tell if they are from present day or long ago.  So sometimes when you get caught off guard by a familiar smell, sight or sound – this is really your subconscious conjuring up a a memory from your past…and might be God’s way of saying He has something for you to face about yourself…in other words pay attention to the signals your body is giving you.

So, while I wanted to ignore my uncomfortable feelings, I knew that I needed to get to the bottom of whatever it is that God is trying to surface.

As I headed into the sanctuary, it was still a little early which gave me time to spend a few moments in prayer, reading the Psalms and trying to relax.  As the service started, I felt the need to move to the middle instead of the side where I had been trying to hide (how can you hide from God in his own place?)…where I had a better vantage point of the beautiful stain glassed windows that had made an impression on me the other day.  But also closer to the other side of the sanctuary where I used to sit before.  What is God trying to do to me?!?  “Whatever you are doing inside of me, feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace.  It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving into something Heavenly.” (Sanctus Real)

Let’s fast forward to the sermon…for the worship was great – but I was not in my normal worshipful state to enjoy as I would have liked.  The sermon, yes.  John O is on break this month – so we have the pleasure of hearing from some of the other pastors…and tonight was one of the Scott’s.

Now normally I love to hear Scottie preach, but my own thoughts and feelings kept me from truly listening till about half way in, except for the part about the two boys covering up their fiasco of playing football inside – wondering if my boys will try something like this at some point, which I could totally see.  I was trying hard for I knew God had a message for me in all this – He just had to; but I also was hard at work trying to figure out why I was reacting to this place – even more so being in the actual service.  However, by the time Scottie got to his Psalm of choice for the night, Psalm 32, God had given me insight as to why I was reacting…which I will not be sharing the intimate details of that on this very public blog.  But let’s just say it went RIGHT along with the message God wanted me to hear.

As I turn to the pages of Psalm 32, I am just shaking my head cause I know this psalm must have been one that meant something to me this week.  “Great, this is just great,” I am thinking as I read my note to myself right at vs. 3-5 which states:
“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand are heavy upon me; my strength sapped as in the heat of summer.  Then I acknowledge my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.  I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord – and you forgave the guilt of my shame.”

My note reads, “I must learn to confess more” with the last two words underlined several times.

And what are the very next words out of the pastor?  That we have to learn to confess in order to open ourselves up to receive God’s grace of forgiveness.  Okay – God, you wanted my attention?  You totally have it now!  (Come on folks – I know I am not the only person that has had divine interventions like this before…and I know this isn’t the first time this has happened to me, but it is still so unbelievable when it does.)

Scottie goes on to dutifully describe the process of how we go from “wasting away from remaining silent” to receiving the gift of forgiveness – which you should be able to watch here within the next day or two.  And at the end of the service, he gives us an opportunity to write down sins we want to confess to God.  Okay nothing new here – if you’ve been part of a church for a while you are sure to have done this.  However, there was a great surprise in this exercise that I didn’t expect.

We were then informed that we could fold these confessions up and place them in one of the little baskets throughout the sanctuary.  At first my little section looked at the basket that was sitting there and thought there must be another one somewhere because this one was full of something.  But, being that I wanted to discard my confession and get on with this service…I stepped forward to put my note in…only to find what I didn’t know I needed, right there in that sanctuary – right at this point in my life.

Without giving too many details, what God had revealed to me earlier in the service was that I needed to let go of something that I obviously had been carrying around…since I left that sanctuary 8 years ago.  It really isn’t the sanctuary itself, at least I don’t think so, that was causing me to react…but there was definitely symbolism there.  And if I had bucked God and gone to church tomorrow in Mountain View, what I received in that basket  in Mountain View would not have meant what it did at MPPC.  For what I put down on my card wouldn’t have probably come to me any where else but there, where God wanted to do His purifying work in my heart and soul, in my subconscious.  He wanted to cleanse me of guilt and shame that I was carrying around…and He wanted to do it where it would mean something.

Are you ready to find out what was in the basket?  What was in the basket was what I needed to help me get over my past in that sanctuary, what I needed to hear in order to move forward in my walk with the Lord at a church that I have had a love/hate relationship with.  And while I can’t say all of my angst was gone by the end of the service – or that I fully understand what God did for me tonight.  I know this is something that I will have to mull over for a few days, or perhaps weeks…but this could only have been God and His amazing hand that could have orchestrated the events of this week…from keeping from going back to KC, to taking me to see David Crowder Band and worship in the throne room of God – to taking me to the place where I needed to deal with myself on a very deep level.  Look below to see what message God has for you!