I really did not want to write tonight as I am still trying to play Jonah. “Why?” you ask…you’ll have to continue to read to figure out…for I am not so sure myself. Seeing how writing is a way for me to process my thoughts, I hope you come along for this journey and help me find out. Perhaps you will find yourself in this story as well…
It has definitely been one of those weeks…and not one with an exclamation point and happy face at the end. It started off last Sunday with realizing that this journey of me speaking and sharing my knowledge is going to be one of loneliness – which I am quite okay with as long as I have a few friends and a God I can count on. However, the opposition when you decide to stand up for righteousness, I have to admit, comes from some quite unexpected corners that completely blindside you. You assume that you will get the normal avenues of resistance…but those other avenues, other pipelines that drizzle and/or pour doubts and uncertainty into your mind is where the real battle comes. “Will I trust those promises I know God gave me? Will I continue to draw close to Him and seek the consolation? Or will I have more desolation to experience? Will I be able to survive the tests that seem to come daily, almost hourly my way right now?” are all questions one might ask.
On the other side of the coin, some very exciting things have happened this week. Occurrences that I would have called “coikidinks” (coincidences) before I was a disciple of Jesus…but now I know the circumstances are just too perfect to have been a happening by chance. Where I end up being in the right place, meet the right person or hear the right message at the right time. Some of them this week:
* Hearing a message form John Ortberg that one can actually be called to a church…don’t know why I didn’t believe this one before but seems that confirms that yes, God wants me at MPPC for some reason.
* Spending a good 1.5 hours yesterday with my high school gals learning the bible better with them…and realizing their thirst for God is above and beyond many adults that I know…no wonder we like hanging out together!
* Hearing a series on the book of Jonah from a few years back – where once again I realize how much I am like this man…not one of the stellar prophets by any means. What does that say about me?
* Meeting a fellow Boilermaker (Go Boilers!) at church last night that has invited me and my kiddos over to swim in her beautiful pool and hang out with her family…so providential in more ways than one.
* Being brought to two different gals this week that needed to hear some of my knowledge – and both being extremely receptive and open!
And one that has me a little torn – especially after my first point:
* I had a feeling I wasn’t supposed to check out any new churches right now – even though my motivations were good. However, I absolutely fell in love with this new church: the worship was AMAZING, the pastor was so spot on and I felt everything they are about, the way that they approach discipleship instead of “being a Christian” is all that I would want in a church. I had such a great time….but now know why I wasn’t supposed to go. For I still believe my calling is to MPPC, but it will be hard to not go back to West Gate on a very regular basis.
Have you ever had a week like this? Where all these hard but great things come your way, and you are just flying high at some points, and skimming the ground at others? Where you know — where you just know something bigger than you is going on here – leading you down a path? Whether you are a disciple of Christ or not, I believe we all have these weeks like this probably more often than not. Perhaps it is just when you do draw closer to Christ…when you get the dust from his shoes on you cause you are walking so close – that one’s eyes would be that much more open to the possibilities.
However, instead of being totally excited about all these things, being totally AMAZED at how the Lord is providing such things for me – especially His revealing of my gifts….I find myself shaking my head back and forth and continually wrestling with God to take one of His many gifts away – one that He seems to want to give me but has me finally saying “No, not this one…please anything else but this one.” If I took a step back from myself and looked from the outside in – I would see that I am throwing a 2 year old tantrum shouting at God and telling Him “I don’t waaaaaaaant this one!”…and I am like Jonah in the 4th chapter (version 4.0) sitting under his withered “vine” and just pouting for what God has done in his life through him…little ol’ Jonah.
Like I really have a choice since I know I want to serve God and that nothing else in this world will ever satisfy me again — if I don’t get to serve Him. But couldn’t I just stick to the stuff I know? Like encouraging and teaching??? I mean, it’s kind of tiring and inconvenient to be awoken out of a deep sleep to answer God’s calling at all hours of the night…especially when I have kids to keep up with the next day. Can’t He see that? I like to have my little schedule and run my life a certain way…and that I will tell God when He can fit in and when He can’t…ever find yourself being like that?
I hear God asking me thru Jonah, “Have you any right to be angry at the vine (gift) I have given you?”
“I don’t want this one…are there any other ones I can bid for?” I ask.
“You want to serve me and my people…I am the One that created you with a special set of skills to reach out to others. I am more concerned about the people than about which gift you do or don’t want…so I ask you again, Do you have any right to be angry at the gift I give you?”
Head hung low, tail between my legs, “No, God, I don’t.” But you better believe I am still going to continue to wrestle Him on this one…at least for a while longer.
How about you? What blessings or gifts have you received from God that have you throwing a tantrum? Do you think God really wants to spend time wrestling with your tantrum when there are sick and dying people all around us? Or shouldn’t God be more concerned about us getting in line behind Him, accepting the gifts we have so we can go do the battle He is calling us to do?
