Note: The saga of judgement continues…I wrote this in response to Stephen’s comment on Judgement 2...but felt it was too long for a comment and thus am putting it here.
I think the gist of the issue is this: that before we can fully start to judge another we need to know them and their story. And maybe that is the problem – all of us are trying to “stereotype” judgement without knowing the “case” that we are judging. So let me give you a personal example if you will. This example is extremely personal – yet I share it in hopes that it will help. For if we as the church don’t stop throwing around judgement left and right and start listening to people’s stories…then how are we ever to hope to love the world as Christ has loved us? For when – in our over plugged-in/hyper-connected/gossipy world – we judge others we do not even know – it is really telling them we are a Church filled with hate and not love…
MY STORY WITH JUDGEMENT
I decided after trying my hardest to keep my marriage together – that I needed to separate from my ex. It was a painful, gut wrenching decision heightened by the fact that it has been an abusive relationship (with both of us to blame for this if you truly know the dynamics of an abusive relationship). I had tried to keep it together on my terms, trying to force him to change by calling his sin out to him, etc. It didn’t work and I was led – yes by the Holy Spirit – to divorce for the hardness of heart towards not repenting.
Now, you can say what you will…but there are many Christians that have passed judgement on me or that put the full failure of the marriage on me because I decided to divorce – and not on him because of his hardness of heart. He can continue to profess that he is a follower, and most in the church wouldn’t ever say otherwise. And is he? I honestly couldn’t tell you …nor do I think it is my place to say whether or not he is. But I can discern/judge his actions and if they are unhealthy – then yes, I can set up the appropriate boundaries for myself.
Furthermore, there are many Christians that – even after knowing me and some of my intimate story – told me that I was not hearing from God correctly and that continue to tell me they are praying and asking me to consider reconciling – and putting the burden of that on me without ever giving pause to ask what he did to or for the marriage.
I can honestly say that I can see all of their points and hold them as valid points in my mind – because before this experience in my life I would have held the same view points and done the same thing as them. However, I can tell you that being on this side of judgement – to be judged by people you thought were your friends and could be trusted – truly and utterly sucks and is so painful. Unless you have been in an abusive relationship, you will never know the depths of deceit and pain and heartache that both parties are wrapped up in…and that no one but God working through the Holy Spirit could have guided me through that process and released me from my vows.
So I ask, is it any one else’s right to judge me and tell me that I am not following God? That – without being in my shoes – tell me I should have continued to subjected myself to abuse in order to just keep a marriage together? That if I didn’t stay in the marriage – then I was not following God and would be judged? Can man see the heart – or is that God’s job? I mean – if you judge my relationship with God just based on the fact that I divorced someone – isn’t that narrow and closed minded? Do you know what else I have done in my life, how else I have grown from this experience and how I am even more sold out to Christ now than ever before?
I guess if someone thinks they know without a shadow of doubt they are right, that I am sinning by divorcing*, than by all means they should condemn me. But they would need to condemn him too for his actions – which is rarely the case within the church in regards to Domestic Abuse. So if we are going to use judgement – let’s at least use it across the board and not just selectively. Furthermore, maybe I’m reading my bible incorrectly – but I believe Jesus is the only one that can condemn me…and is the only one that can set me free.
Could we admit that perhaps, just perhaps us church-goers don’t have all the answers and can’t draw hard-core lines on most subjects in life…that we need to learn to live life more in the middle of knowing and not knowing and letting God fill in the blanks in each individual case?
Judgement: this is such a harried and in-depth subject it is impossible to work it all out on a comment section or in a post or two. All I know from is that – as a follower of Christ doing the best I cam – it really stung to have people that didn’t even know me judge me and to be talking behind my back. It showed me how horrible my actions towards others have been in the past and I have decided that I will try my best to purge myself of this type of judgement. If I must judge, then I pray I do follow God’s loving manner in Matthew 18 – and that my heart is not set on revenge but on the hope the person will repent.
One last thought: While I know we are called to call each other’s sin out to one another – are we held accountable for that person’s sin? No. Are we held accountable to how we react to their sin? Yes…and that is where we need to learn to set up appropriate boundaries. I had to use judgement/discernment in my decision for divorce – but I could do this because I was the one intimately involved in the daily details of the marriage. Ultimately, the judgement came not in the form of accusing him of all his wrongdoings, of begging and pleading with him to change – but the judgement came in taking control of the only thing I could control – and that was myself and my actions and my boundaries.
Essentially, I did follow Matthew 18 – yet I now see this was done with a twist in respect to me. Both of us had failed at upholding the marriage vows and both of us were now going to lose the benefits of marriage. With my decision to divorce, I cast both of us out of the “fellowship” of marriage in hopes that it would have redemptive effects on both of us, that it would lead both of us to repentance in God’s sight. Only time will tell if this was the outcome of my decsion to judge my situation or not.
In closing, I go back to the fact that we cannot sit here on the interent and hypothesize about how and when judgement should occur. Just like in our courts of law, it needs to be taken on a case by case basis – with the first hand parties giving witness to what is going on. We cannot sit here and stereotype that all judgement is bad or all judgement is good. Yet, in any situation, judgement should be exercised with extreme caution and NEVER without love, grace and mercy. For I am afraid, if we exercise judgement without these things…we will be seen as a people who ….
I used to be pretty die-hard on such decisions (“they’re wrong!”) but even then I believed in showing grace and love. God has showed me over the years that (a) truly showing grace and love means not judging and (b) that you better know the people and the situation before you open your mouth, unless he specifically puts words in it– in which case it probably won’t sound anything like what you were thinking…
I’m praying for you, and for your ex, and for your kids.
I believe God hates divorce. But he also hates abuse. I don’t think the Church as a whole has a clue what “God hates divorce” really means, especially in cases like this. I do know it includes his love and grace.
Be blessed, be whole, be at peace. And joyful;. Love that. Supernatural joy and peace all over and through you.
Thank you for your kinds words and your prayers. Yes I think a lot of people interpret “God hates divorce” to mean “we should not divorce”. But my pastor John Ortberg did an amazing talk on divorce a few years back and says that the reason God hates divorce is because God himself knows the pain and heartache of being divorced – since He had to divorce Israel back in Jeremiah.
May you also be blessed, whole and joyful!