I have so much to share – yet as I am learning to live in my Relationship where the She in me gets to lead and guide the Masculine in me…well, I am not going to get to share everything I want to share today. For it is time for me to pull into my Red Tent and be with Her.
As I zipped home from my CPR training just now, I realized that once again my ideas for my outward expression of my inward life – otherwise known as my business plan – is brimming with ideas. Yet, I decided to live the practice of what I am being asked to live by both my coach and myself in my post from yesterday: to check in with Her first and then allow Her guidance to be held and carried out by the masculine energy that I have.
So I made a list of everything that was on my head and in my body that wants to get done in the next 3 hours before the kids arrive home, set my timer for 10 minutes and got into my body to see what She had to “say” to me. What came of this time was that I need to continue to go slow. The number one priority being for me to rest as much as possible before the long weekend of my moon flow as a single mother of two active boys.
Yet, I will leave you with this: that I left you last night and had a really tough night. I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor and just weeping for a good while. I pulled myself and gave myself a long, rejuvenating bath. I read more of the Sacred Prostitute and I made love – to myself.
In between the midst of this, I reread something I had written just about 48 hours before I started to have memory recall of the abuse. There is much more behind the story of why I wrote what I wrote – as there usually is in my little quotes I put out on FB from time to time. Yet, one thing I have come to realize in the past 6 months is that I can no longer deny my prophetic ability that comes mostly through my writings. Do I think I am unique in my prophetic abilities? No, not really. I think I am just open to Spirit and S/He penetrates me with their ideas and I happen to “listen/hear” and write them down.
Here is what I wrote two days before my first abuse memories came back to me:
“She can surrender more to herself and to you the more you let her go. She doesn’t need you to save her nor fix her nor solve her problems. She needs you to focus on you and do that for yourself why she does it for herself. She wishes for you to choose not to beat yourself up for what you were not able to do or not able to be there for. She wants you to be there for her but only by letting the need to do these things for her go…the more you let her go the more she can surrender to you and to your gifts, to your penetration and ravishment that take you both to God!”
I had written this for several reasons which I will not go into here. I can say that 2 days later, right before the abuse memories started to surface, I did finally feel the “let go” I had been asking for. Yet, the reasons for which I THOUGHT I was writing this was not directly for me and my experience. Boy, was I surprised to look at this again last night – having it NOT in mind when I wrote my post yesterday. Two weeks later and I see how fitting this was for me at this point in my journey and how it will be a guiding light as I proceed on this journey meandering forward.
Fast forward to this morning and the review of two powerful dreams I had last night. Again, for sake of time, I will not share them today. However, I will summarize:
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| Not the Exact man in my dream but clos |
1) The first dream showed me that I – after all this time and all this work – STILL have a deeply wounded Masculine side that is clingy, “old” and needy. He showed up as an old man that was really a boy who couldn’t let go of me – of the Feminine Goddess in me. Somehow, I/my Goddess was able to push him out of my “house” and to lock the back door on him. I discovered that my words had impact on him, for when I asked him to take his hand out of the door so I could lock it, he had to do as I asked. Yet, he quickly – at least as quickly as an old crippled man can move – realized there were other doors to try to get into – which showed me my “old” wounded masculine will not go away easily.
2) The 2nd was about my Goddess, and specifically about the Sacred Prostitute Archetype. In short, the dream showed me that I have birthed her ALMOST. She is now out of her prison that I had repressed Her too from my childhood and that She was at least in the running for a Political position of power….and that I was willing to “burn” up my old ways of being and relating in the world in order to support Her and Her run for office.
If you have never worked with dreams and the symbols that are locked inside of them – all I can say is wow. I started looking at my dreams a little over a year ago, and they have grown in their power to convey to me what is going on inside of me in ways I don’t have access to when I am awake. I have also started reading more about Jung’s approach to dream analysis – specifically through the Sacred Prostitute book…and again all I can say is wow. This man brought genius to the field of psychology – which for him was really about Soul integration and development and not about labeling people and then setting them up to become “insane”.
Why am I sharing all this? That is a really good question.
Mostly because it is so fun…but also so I track my own progress along this journey, to see where I have been, where I am and to find those yummy puzzle pieces that help me know where to go. Yet…yet to do it in the ways of my NEW relationship that I have formed between my Feminine & Masculine inside.
These dreams, coupled with my prophetic writing and my embodiment times the last two days, have shown me that my wounded lil’ girl sitting in the basement is looking for a healthy, strong, resilient Masculine that knows how to meet Her…and that the version of my Masculine is not currently this. She is no longer willing to accept the version of Masculine I have tried to bring to Her. She has locked him out of Her past (the back door) and She is quickly running around my house (my inner being) to lock the side and front doors to ensure He no longer can be the emotional vampire, leeching Her of Her vital life source.
These dreams show me that the reason I continue to draw men to me that cannot stay with me for whatever reason is because my own masculine is deeply wounded, needy and unsure of how to become the Masculine I need. We are all reflections for each other, so of course I will not be able to draw a healthy man to me if my own inner Masculine man is not healthy.
These dreams show me that the reason I need to go really slow right now with the healing of the trauma from the sexual abuse is because I do not yet have a WHOLE & HOLY Masculine side of me to help support this healing process. The one I had written about yesterday, the one I want to meet me in the dark, in the basement to hold me and allow me to mold into His shape and to be supported by His strength – while strangely enough I can feel him energetically at times with me…I have yet to fully internalize this presence within me.
Ouch – all of that is really hard to write and admit to myself for so, so, so many reason.
With that, I am on the hunt…on the hunt with Her by brining the Healthy sides of me to Her the best that I can, sitting with Her and asking Her what she has to say…or not say.
And I am on the hunt to uncover healthy Archetypes – or characteristics of the Masculine that I can apply to my internal Him to assist Him in His growth…to help Him catch up to Her – as she also continues to grow in wisdom and Eros – so that perhaps someday they can relate in a healthy way together.
It feels like a tall task and one that will I’m sure to continue to unfold here for me as I practice my art of surrendering to the writing of my journey.
P.S. If you have any good recommendations on where I can find good Healthy Archetypes of the Masculine…please please do share.
