I got some sleep last night…a very good thing for me but maybe not so good for you. The creative juices are flowing once again and I’ve already made a long list of other ideas for some poignant posts ….
And I had promised myself that I wouldn’t start writing until I had breakfast, had time with God and moved a little (all this sitting is literally causing me a lot of body aches and pains). Yet, lately I just have to start my days with worshiping my King in song and prayer…and because of my prolific mind this sometimes makes it hard to stay focused – which I know I am not alone on this. But really I have a bone to pick with a very real “person” – and I don’t feel like I can move on with my day until I get this off my heart so he knows who he is messing with.
See, there is a verse in the bible that talks specifically about who our battle as earth dwellers is really against. It isn’t against those that do us wrong, whether strangers or loved ones…”For our struggle isn’t against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Sound like something the Hollywood circuit dreamed up? Hardly – It is straight from one of the most, if not the most, prolific writers back in the day – Paul formerly known as Saul of Tarsus.
These forces that Paul writes about is what keeps us waring against the wrong things in our life…keeps us pointing the fingers at each other instead of at him, where they rightly belong. But if you are able to see behind his tricks, see behind his mask of deception (to me where all sin begins) – you will find that you can truly still “love the sinner and hate the sin”; you can truly find peace in forgiveness even if you are never reconciled to the person who did you wrong…and you can find that you take the battle to the right person.
Of course, if you have read any of my other blogs you have realized that I am not a woman of few words. So, I pray ye that you stick with me as I come full circle back to the point above with how Satan has worked his magic of deception in my life – and how I am telling him “NO MORE!”.
For this, I think I have to take you back to my youth – to those times where I would get a glimpse of who I was meant to be, of who God created me to be…and my prayer is that in this journey together you would do your own thinking about your own spirit and soul, and figure out how to tell the devil no more. So are you ready? Here we go!
I can’t remember the specific first time I saw the spirit God had given me, but it was definitely BC (before Christ, that is before I accepted Christ as my savior and Lord). During high school, I was living with some guardians – and without giving all the gory details – let’s just say it was not the healthiest, most advantageous place to have grown up. I can say at least I had a roof over my head, food in my tummy (if you can call food from Aldi’s food) and was able to attend a stellar high school where I received a phenomenal education. Yet, during my time with this couple and their kids, I would more often than not run into many instances of shall we say low times. Yet, after my sulking and hibernation – I would reach down deep into my imagination and find there a better life I knew I was meant to have. These thoughts would pull me back up onto my feet and back out into the world to try again.
This part of my spirit – or “sticktuitiveness” as I like to call it – helped me to excel in school, in swimming and other achievements. I quickly found that when I used that fire I found within me – it would fuel me to swim faster, study harder and to go after what it was I really wanted in life.
However, since I didn’t know Christ and I didn’t have the advantage of having real truth spoken into my life….this part of my spirit was much like a cautious turtle. It would stick it’s head out at certain times, maybe even take a few bold steps forward, only to run into an “issue” – real or perceived – that would make it draw it’s head back into its shell way too fast.
Within a year of graduating HS though, Christ did get a hold of me and I of Him – and oh how sweet were those first few months with him. This spirit of “sticktuitveness” came out in full force, and I was literally on fire with the Holy Spirit. I was “high” off finding a real man, the man in my life that I had always longed for (the subject of at least another post or two), and was so eager to do His will for my life – that while my auntie suggested I stay in Texas and go to His Hill (a one year bible college) – I found God was leading me back to Indiana – which for me was the lion’s den. I really didn’t understand – and still am not fully sure why He did – but again, from this distance I can guess why I went back.
The point being, is when I got to Purdue – all on fire for God and Jesus – this spirit really drew people to me. Now, I had never been one to really befriend random guys – but in the first few months at my dorm I can remember sitting around several times in the lobby sharing my experience with at least 2 different groups of guys. I can even remember one of them saying something like “I’ve been a ______ all my life and should know more about God than you,” but you could tell he was really baffled about some of the things I would share with him. In the other group, one of the guys passed me a note at one point that said something that hinted at how drawn he was to me…and while I was flattered but not interested – I was ecstatic that I was reflecting God to these people, whether he saw it or not.
Another amazing thing happened in Harrison Hall: One of the first days there, I met Shannon. Now Shannon and I were very different people, but she was a seeker of truth. Again, I believe she had been raised in a certain religion that had turned her off to God…but within about 2 weeks of becoming friends she made the leap to ask Christ to come into her heart. Again, I was so honored to be used by God in this instance I can’t even describe my excitement.
However, college and my studies started to get the best of me ….and I think the devil quickly moved in to do his best to stifle this spirit in me. I quickly fell into my “Shadow Mission” for that period of my life – which was to make up the time I had taken off from college and still complete 4 years of studies in 3.5 – including a semester abroad. Now I see how insane and silly of me that was – but at the time I was so ready be done with school and get on with life.
Now, for those of you who don’t have the privilege of sitting under John Ortberg at MPPC, I guess I need take a brief moment to describe “Shadow Mission” – which I am still trying to understand the concept myself. I first heard about Shadow Mission from a dear friend who is about to have her 2nd baby (yeah!!!) who had heard John speak at a conference at her church. It was a very interesting concept in which, as I perceived her saying, that we all have a mission God created us for in life. This mission will use our passions, our abilities and our experiences for His glory.
However, Satan, being not just God’s enemy – but our eternal enemy…doesn’t want people to be drawn to God thru us – and will do whatever he can to get you off track with your mission in life. He will make it look like a mission, but it is really just a shadow of what your true mission is. And while you might still have some success in this shadow – it can and will never be truly all God intended it (the mission) to be – and therefore you will never receive all the satisfaction in serving God you could have. I hope I have gotten this right ….or at least this is my understanding of it…and if you want to hear it straight from the man, here is the link to his sermon I finally found the other day “Overcoming Your Shadow Mission“.
Back to my story: So my shadow mission at this point was taking that drive and ambition God had given me and pour it into my studies so that then I could free myself to go and serve Him….at a later date, after I was done with school. And while this was a noble goal, and while God continued to bless me a little in reaching others for His glory – I once again became a lost soul searching for her place and direction in life. Sure, I wasn’t as lost as I had been BC…but I still didn’t have that joy and peace I had first had after becoming a believer.
Fast forward to graduation from college and my move to Cali. I moved out here with the hopes of either:
a) spending just a couple fun filled years seeing and experiencing the dream of my childhood (see my previous blog) OR
b) land a job in international business and get to travel the world OR
c) chuck all that and go into mission work (the true calling of my life even though I had no idea how to make it work, and thus kept getting lost)
However, I quickly got involved in a young adult group at the church I was attending…and once again Satan got me to focus on what would become my next Shadow Mission – marriage. I can clearly see this now, as I declared to God in November of ’99 – 4 short months after moving out here with the above dreams – that I would chuck all of those dreams if I was supposed to meet the man I was to marry.
Now, it’s funny that some memories I have are just so vivid and real – while others I have completely blocked from my brain and have to read about them in my journals. But this memory is like the first one. I can still remember driving in my car and even exactly what point on the highway I was. And all I can think is that I must have said it out loud – cause I think Satan heard it and decided then was his time to move in….and in another 2 short months I did end up meeting the man I eventually married.
Here is where I am going to start brining us full circle – I pray.
While being married and having children and raising them in the Lord is one of the most important jobs in life – marriage is not the end all be all in the Christian life. And while I can argue with God and anyone else whether or not I was meant or not meant to be married and have kids – the fact of the matter is for me – being married was definitely my Shadow Mission…at least in the type of marriage I was in.
See, I realize now that the spirit God gave me is a blessing – while others might might call it a curse (which again is really Satan trying to keep my down, not the person them self). Just like a dear sister in Christ of mine who “struggles” with not frightening men off with her resolute will – I realize that my faith, my drive, my enthusiasm for the Lord – while it can draw people towards me and eventually to the Lord…could and did scare people off. So, unbeknownst to me, I allowed Satan in to my life – allowed him to suppress this spark in me, to “tune it down” if you will, so that I could have what supposedly I thought I wanted as my next step in life. I thought I had enough passion for me any any one else and that all we needed was time and we would be conquering the world together. However, the exact opposite was true…Satan slowly but surely was killing me by killing my spirit.
Furthermore I have come to realize, while I know I might drive people away with my over-the-top fire and passion for life – that is not my problem; but just the devil working in their own life that I will pray against with all that passion and fire that I have.
So, while I allowed the devil a foothold into my life for a good 9 years…and he little by little took that foothold and ran with it…I just want to tell him “NO MORE!” Now that I have been on this self discovery this week and have realized this is my gift from the Lord – just as my friend’s will is for her – and that if I allow the Holy Spirit in to flan the flames …. I pray I will never again try to quench Him in attempts to please another human being for as long as I am on this planet. For it made me truly miserable to live that way…as I know it makes my friend miserable to live her life for man instead of God…and I am excited she has found and is finding this out about herself (thank you sista for being my inspiration!).
Furthermore, I just have to talk directly to this guy for a second so pardon me – I’ll be right back.
“mr. accuser, while you will continue to throw pebbles and boulders into my path to once again sidetrack me…I am so on to you. I see how you work now, my eyes have been open to your tricks…and I am watching and ready for you. And as a good friend told me, God likes to test us while you try to tempt us…I have to warn you I’ve always been really good at tests, and a fast learner once I know the truth. So bring it on!”
Now my prayer for all of you – whether you have met Jesus personally or not yet – is that you will do some soul searching about who you were created to be…that you will throw off the chains of oppression and deceit by kicking Satan out and invite the Holy Spirit in – and go out and live your real Mission in life.
If you need a little music to pump you up – Beckah Shae’s song “No More” is AMAZING to do just that. Here’s a little sneak peak of the lyrics…and my new moto in life:
“You just don’t know who your messing with – I’m a warrior!….The victory is mine, I’m taking back everything at least seven times. I’m raising my sword making you wish you never even tried…i’m telling you, NO MORE!”
