So, I know that I have been doing some writings about the Church in America lately…and about how I am not identifying with It quite so much anymore and how – if I haven’t said this – I really do question organizing religion as we have done and it’s effectiveness to carry forth the Gospel of Jesus. I have a lot of questions about the community of believers in America and in my own church and in my own community even.
Yet, even with all my questions and doubts and uneasiness – I am not any where near leaving the Church. No, not only am I not leaving anytime soon…but I am committed to being there and supporting it with all its flaws and all its imperfectness. For I know that it is His church to begin with and He is working through the Church.
For I know that I was first introduced to Jesus through the American Church. That through this Church, I became a Lover of Jesus. Even if my theology was off base – I know that I knew Jesus. This just goes to show that how you come to know Jesus and what you think about heaven/hell/earth, about gender roles and homosexuality and politics – and the in betweens aren’t what gets you in or out. For our beliefs on these issues can be wrong, but our hearts about Jesus can be right.
Lastly, as of lately I have come to see and understand the dynamic of how HARD it is to practice what one preaches – from the level of the pastor on down.
“How can you know this if you are not a pastor?” I hear you asking.
Well, true I am not a pastor and frankly hope to never hear that call on my life – and if I do you can expect me to go high tailing back into my shell faster than a roadrunner. HOWEVER, I can certainly understand the dynamics of what it is like to teach.
Let’s start here: 1997. Yes a little time travel with me. It is another hot, humid summer in South Texas. I am in between my Sophomore and Junior year of college as a Boilermaker (look it up if your don’t know), still really no clue as to what I want to do with my life. I had only been a “Christian” for about a year, but a driven student for 15 or so years. This summer, I had the opportunity to take a 2 day aptitude test that I felt would help me hone in on what it was that I should be doing with my life.
The only two things I remember from this test were this:
1) That my vocabulary level was not up to par with my “intelligence” or my level of creativity.
2) That my highest scoring area of profession was that of a teacher.
3) That I didn’t necessarily have that inborn instinct for rhythm.
(Okay, so I remembered 3 things…and this last one cracks me up since swimming, running, cycling and teach Zumba all are rhythm based and are what I am basing my income off these days! Just goes to show you that you aren’t always defined by your “limitations”.)
But I digress…back to #2. I remember shaking my head at the man who was sharing my results with me. He had to be kidding, right? Me? A teacher? I had grown to HATE high school when I was in there and had sworn I would never, ever return to that environment. And since I didn’t really enjoy kids all that much – I would NOT be a teacher of the younger grades either.
Sure this innocent soul – knowing that I was “passionate” about being in business – mentioned that managers and supervisors also had a function as “teacher”. Yet I was convinced this would not be my path either. I was just certain that teaching others was not anything I was good at…let alone anything I desired to do.
Fast forward 15 years to present day. During this time I have found myself teaching numerous swim lessons to both kids and adults – and loving it. I would find myself taking and passing my test to become a personal trainer as well as a triathlon coach. I coach people on both how to push past their negative thoughts during exercise as well as find their own rhythm. In short over the last 15 years, I have more than gladly succumbed to the fact that yes I am a teacher…and that I desire nothing more than to teach others how to doctor their souls as I have learned to do.
What does any of this have to do with the point of this post? Well, nothing really I guess…except I find it hilarious to realize this about myself – that I would have fought so hard against what I was naturally gifted to do. Makes me wonder why I am fighting against God in an area I feel He might be calling me to….but I digress.
My point is this: that as a “teacher”…sharing knowledge on topics I am passionate about comes easily for me. I get fired up when the music is pumping, the sweat is dripping and people are tuned in to what I am saying. I have trained and read and educated myself to the best of my ability. And I TRY my darndest to live a life that will honestly reflect what comes out of my mouth to my clients.
This – however – doesn’t mean that I ALWAYS practice what I preach.
I will tell you how bad sugars and certain oils and fast food are for you…but you will still find me partaking in these from time to time…and I can do so without even blinking an eye as to what I preach about this stuff.
I encourage people to only pick one thing at a time to change in any arena of their life – but doesn’t mean I don’t try to fix everything at once in my own life.
I write all these truths that I am discovering and typically end my posts more inspired and hopeful than when I began…yet it doesn’t mean that I am not writing as much for you as I am for myself. For many times, even though I end on an up note – I am still riddled with self-doubt and confusion and negative thoughts battling to overtake the new truths that are grasping for a place in my mind.
Strangely enough, I feel this dichotomy even stronger the longer I blog. The desire to be real and honest about my journey – and my thoughts and feelings through that journey – has been the basis of this blog from day one. Yet, as I get more visibility (or at least think I am) – the desire to “look” perfect in my practice of what I am “preaching” seems to grow like a weed.
Hurt People Hurt People
This returns me to the beginning of why – at this time – I am not leaving the church. For my experience and my recovery has taught me too much about the human nature. God, through means of great sermons and teachings’ of recovery programs, has taught me that there is so much more to people than just the surfacey stuff we see…that they allow us to see at least.
This couldn’t be more true than of those that do their best to lead our churches – from the pastors and priests to the staff that work with them to to the volunteers that devote hours to the programs. The pressure that is put on our pastors and church staff is so enormous – is it any wonder so many of them end up riddled with addictions of their own?
We expect them to be upstanding citizens, great family members, always treating us how we expect to be treated by them, to know the right thing to say at the right time…and we think we know them simply because they stand up there week after week sharing their thoughts and leadings on scripture. So when we have a run in with them, when we see them outside of church being normal people with normal struggles and sins…we are shocked and disenchanted with them. And thus goes our disenchantment with the rest of the Church.
Yet, if I look at my own life where I understand that dichotomy of how hard it is to practice what I preach…whether it is to my clients or to my kids or to my friends and community…I find that commonality with those I see leading our churches. For just as I am trying my best to be who I want to be – I fall short of that best time and time and time again.
Call me forever hopeful and naive – but I guess I have gotten to that point in my walk where I will let them and you be in control of your own journeys and trust a God that can take care of them….while I work on my own s**t and try to take control and ownership over it.
So, I leave you with this for today or this week or this month:
Where in your own life do you see this dichotomy of not practicing what you are preaching? Where in your own life do you see that you are telling yourself one thing – but living out another? Or telling your kids, your subordinates, your co-workers, your “sheep” to do one thing…while you do another?
