I am reminded that this is actually all part of being a woman, of having a heavily feminine side. While my logical, analytical side wants answers to how to design all of the ideas and concepts and parts I am trying to include in my platform – and he wants them now! – the feminine side is not yet satisfied that all of the pieces of the puzzle fall nicely together…not quite yet at least.
Well, as the Feminine side of me would have it, I am still not 100% certain (and might never be) on how all of these pieces will be laid out, I’m still not 100% on the labels themselves. And I am not sold specifically on the “Dance with Life” part being its own separate theme versus being part of Practice Joy.
While I know that this was the message from a dream I had after I broke my foot – that I was to teach other women to dance with their lives – I feel like one of the main reasons people come to my blog to read is to look and see how I have dealt with Patriarchy and of being a woman in my own life, specifically in and outside of the Christian Church.
So I am back to wrestling with what it is I am really trying to say about self-acceptance, patriarchy, abuse, gender roles, practicing joy and dancing with the dualities of our humanness. I am still trying to figure out how to say it simply and creatively – and then how to lay it out easily so people can find what they are looking for. I understand that I will have to make a decision at some point soon and just get going.
Yet, I am willing to sit in the chaos of creation a bit longer – and to give you a window seat into the show – as I continue to plunge into the abyss of darkness, into the final frontier of my own soul.
As I journaled this morning about all of this, I came to the conclusion that this time of uneasiness is so much like the physical symptoms of early pregnancy when all the hormones are raging and there is morning sickness from the upheaval in the body. However, it is a good sign I was always told. That the body, she is doing exactly what she needs to be doing at that point in time…that I could trust my body to be creating the baby inside of me – even though I could not see nor really understand the process even with all the science that we have. The process of creating another living being is still a mystery and point of wonder, of awe for me.
I will take this forward with me today, and into the coming weeks as I continue to explore my soul and dig deep for the answers and the questions about birthing my business. I will rest in the fact that while I cannot see exactly what is happening inside of me nor understand it fully, that a “baby” is being made within my creative womb space. That She will probably neither look nor act exactly how I want and desire her to act once she is “born” into the world. Yet a “baby” She will be, with an identity and purpose all her own…and she will function as a baby business is meant to function – needing lots of care and attention and nurturing over the course of the next years.
Thank you for being with me during my pregnancy…I will look forward to unveiling Her in whatever state she is in when Her time has come!
