Taking a much needed break from my construction work to move back to a post I wanted to do about
1) apologizing to men
a) looking at stereotyping (another post, some other time when I am up to it)
Apology to Men
As I stated earlier, I have come to realize – even if in a very odd way, but hey that is how my odd brain works – that I myself am guilty of stereotyping men just as I feel stereotyped by men. I know part my stereotype is the culture influenced…and that I could continue to play innocent to this – but sooo don’t want to do that. Yes, Disney, Pretty Woman and even the Christian church at large has influenced me – but I am now aware of this and fully take responsibility for this fact. This is how I believe I have stereotyped all men to be for all women. I use the first person noun, but it could apply to how I thought about all men and all women:
He is to be “bigger” – both physically and in stature – than me. He is to be stronger – both physically and emotionally – than me. He is to be some how more capable of handling adult life than me in order to protect me and provide for me, take responsibility for me and the family. He is to always be the one to pursue me (in and outside a relationship). He is supposed to know exactly what I need and/or want at any point in time – and fully capable and willing to give that to me, even if it means sacrificing what he is currently doing or the current direction he is going in. He is to do this because he is my “leader”, the one ultimately taking the responsibility for our family’s spiritual walk…the one that can pick me or the children up when we fall and “lead us with a strong arm”. He can do this because of all the other expectations I already mentioned above. Ultimately, I have placed all my hopes and fears on him and expected him to be my “savior”.
Wow – that is a loaded expectation that I have placed on men. Again, this is not just what I expected out of the man I was to marry…but out of all men in regards to their relationships to the women in their life. It is what I expected out of all men in my life (barring the more intimate expectations)…especially out of the men in my church. I am soooooo sooooo sorry for putting this on men close to home and at large. I certainly don’t want any children that I have to have to live up to this image or think their future husband has to live up to this image. I am just so sorry.
Yet, I want to take this a little further. Presuming that the media, culture and church have had a huge impact not just on me but on many of my women sisters (again – even this is a stereotype, or judgement call, but one I feel fairly comfortable making)….no wonder our men feel inadequate to show their emotions, so incapable of sharing their struggles or ever exhibiting that they have any weaknesses – out in public or in the home. No wonder they hide in shame about their inabilities to bear the burdens that are placed on them, turning to addictions to drown out the voices that they aren’t measuring up. No wonder men are just as lost as women in how to lead this adult life…and no wonder they feel the need to exhibit the appearance of control in their families, in their jobs and in their relationships even with each other when the culture is pressuring them to hold up this appearance. I am in no way excusing this abuse of power/control…but when I take a step back and look at it this way – I can certainly see another viewpoint as to why we are ALL in the bind that I see our society suffering from as domestic abuse continues to grow in numbers and in voice.
I don’t know, I haven’t actually developed enough deep connections to that many guys to see if this is really what they feel is expected out of them…or if this is what they actually want to try to live up to. My extrapolation could be totally bogus….but somehow I don’t think so. Maybe some men want to try to be all this and can be all this without even trying. Yet, I just can’t imagine that deep, deep down in a man’s soul he truly wants to be responsible for ALL that women and other men and culture and church has placed on him.
I kind of am thinking that just like me, he wants to be seen as an individual with a unique set of talents and skills and likes and dislikes that he wants to use in his own way as God created him to use. That he wants to be equally responsible for the kingdom – not fully responsible…and that he might actually want me to be in charge of my own life so he can figure out and be in charge of his. That if in doing this he stepped back from his desire to “fix everything” around him long enough – he might see that this is really just a disguise keeping him from fixing himself. That of all this – he most of all wants the freedom to be the individual God created him to be.
Again, I am totally making yet another judgement call based on my new experiences about what I am assuming men actually want underneath the surface. These are just my new set of expectations as I have journeyed on this path with eyes that are continually being unveiled; but this new set feels a whole heck of a lot more freeing to the men that are in my life and that will cross my path as I go along. I pray that I can fully do away with the childish, romance addict thoughts of what I want men to live up to – and instead see each man as a unique individual…and allow him to show me who he is – the good, bad and ugly – and that in turn I will allow him to be who he is.
Otherwise I am just as guilty as he is of trying to keep someone in the box that doesn’t really fit them….and we all lose out on discovering and experiencing something so much bigger and greater.
This is what I LOVE about the Jesus that keeps revealing Himself to me as of late. When people approached him, with an open and sincere heart – he didn’t stereotype them based on their social status, their gender, their religious preference or any of that. No, Jesus was so good at treating each person he came in contact with as an individual. He didn’t give them a prescribed formula on what would save them or how to get into heaven…but helped them move one step closer to Him and eventually to God. Lord please help me to be more like Jesus!
