AN EVERYDAY OCCURRENCE
In order to give you a glimpse of how common this type of behavior is in our society – especially (and this is in no means a slight against men, for both women and men have been trained for thousands of years to behave in this way) I recently had someone try to define my reality for me while sitting at a Coffee Bean in LA. It went like this:
The older man across the way who I had said hello to when I first sat down approached me after a bit. In a nice tone, he asked me to watch his stuff while he went stepped away. He didn’t share with me where he was going or for how long, and I knew I was leaving in a few moments so I proceeded to ask him, “How long will you be gone?”
The next thing I knew coming out of his mouth was, “Calm down young lady….”
Right there…there it is. That is as subtle as abuse can begin. Do you see it based off my definition above? “Calm down…”
“Calm down” are just too easy words we have probably heard a million times since childhood. They seem so minor, so soft and something you might try to say to a crying child or person who is crying loudly. How could those two words be abusive?
“Calm down”, said in the tone and inflection I felt coming at me, was this man’s way of trying to jump into my world, my experience of the world. Not only is he trying to tell me what to do, he is implying that what he interprets as excitement is not okay in this situation for him. That is, by my definition, abuse.
This might sound harsh. Honestly I do not mean it to sound harsh, however you cannot hear my tone as I write. I just mean to sound clear, that this is how subtle every day interactions can be abusive. And if we as a society cannot first spot abuse even in its must subtle and “harmless” ways, if was always wait to define and “attack” it once it has progressed past this, we will never be able to fully eradicate it from our society.
HOW TO RESPOND TO ABUSE
Grant it, you were not there and you didn’t know what my tone was when I asked how long he would be that received the comment “calm down”. All that is simply back-story and takes the focus off the abusive comment (what so many of us are good at doing, even the ones that tend to be at the receiving end). This information is REGARDLESS to the fact that this man, not knowing me at all, tried to interpret my tone in his mind and decided to react to my tone by telling me how to act or behave.
If I would have responded with, “I’m not excited,” all I would have done was invited the abuse to possibly continue because I would have implied that his assessment of me had some value in my own reality…and this would have allowed him to come back with something even as slight as, “well you sure sound excited to me.” This would have made me think about my reality and the fact that yes, I was excited….but ALL this would do nothing to stop him from defining my reality and letting him know his comment was not acceptable.
So, how did I respond? Did I tell him he was a mean old patriarchal man that was trying to put a woman in his place?
Why I know some of these thoughts certainly surfaced, due to my years of trying to understand human nature in regards to abuse – I did say to myself that was an unfair judgement on my part and that line of thought could have certainly led me to seek revenge and be abusive right back. Not my most resourceful, loving self. And obviously I still have more work to do.
No, I took a split second to recognize the comment for what it was: an attempt to connect with me in an improper way by trying to define my reality. With a deep breath, calmness in my voice and firmness in my tone I simply said,
“Please do not tell me how to act.”
He didn’t apologize, he didn’t get all huffy puffy, which some people will when you respond this way, he simply said okay and kept on walking. When I left a few moments later after he returned, we kindly said good-bye to each other and I haven’t given it another thought until now.
There is much more to come on this, but for now I wanted to get this out there, to share with you and to ask you to start looking at abuse in this light.
WILL YOU ADD YOUR VOICE TO THE CAUSE OF ERADICATING ABUSE?
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If you have a friend, sister, brother (for men are not immune to being at the receiving end), family member, co-worker, etc. that has come to you with stories of mal-treatment by others in her life – and you think it is safe to do so – will you please consider sharing my blog and newsletter with her? You might just be their first step towards divorcing abuse in thier own life.
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STAY IN TOUCH
If you or someone you know has been touched by abuse, please know that you are in a safe place. Sometimes the voices of our society shame us into staying quiet, and this is exactly how domestic abuse – how all abuse continues to grow and flourish at alarming rates. If you are ready to break the silence, please know that you are safe here with me. Please feel free to contact me for a complimentary 30 minute Embodied Coaching experience that can help you start breaking the silence and put you in touch with the right resources to move through the abuse. And if there is any thought about your safety (emotionally or physically) please ensure you delete your cookies and browsing history and/or call from a phone line that is secure.
