(Continued from an earlier post…)
Think about it the next time you are in church as you sit in the row of pews or seats and everyone seems happy; or at the supermarket, the gym or even some high end event – for abuse doesn’t attack just the poor and uneducated at any different rate than the rich: 1 out of 4 women is being told things no one should ever hear in a tone no one should ever use – especially from someone who has sworn to love and protect her. Unneeded fear is instilled in them in order to maintain power and control over them, in more ways than I care to know. That if she has children, which more than 60% do, these children are hearing the same things about her and perhaps about themselves. And this is not just a man on woman problem – men/boys can suffer at the hands of other men and women as well. And the biggest “victims” cannot be denied — our precious children. For they are more likely to either continue to be “victims” of abuse or become the perpetrators as adults – the evil generational curse. Sons who see their mothers being abused will sometimes even take matters into their own hands – ending in horribly, tragic and unneeded ways.
Think about it the next time you are in church as you sit in the row of pews or seats and everyone seems happy; or at the supermarket, the gym or even some high end event – for abuse doesn’t attack just the poor and uneducated at any different rate than the rich: 1 out of 4 women is being told things no one should ever hear in a tone no one should ever use – especially from someone who has sworn to love and protect her. Unneeded fear is instilled in them in order to maintain power and control over them, in more ways than I care to know. That if she has children, which more than 60% do, these children are hearing the same things about her and perhaps about themselves. And this is not just a man on woman problem – men/boys can suffer at the hands of other men and women as well. And the biggest “victims” cannot be denied — our precious children. For they are more likely to either continue to be “victims” of abuse or become the perpetrators as adults – the evil generational curse. Sons who see their mothers being abused will sometimes even take matters into their own hands – ending in horribly, tragic and unneeded ways.
Unfortunately, the reality I and many others have found in struggling to make sense of this vicious, destructive cycle is that the church (I am speaking at large, not about any specific church and its members) is widely uneducated, unaware – appearing as uncaring because they do not TRUELY understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship and how best to help all parties. For the most part, women are told that what she is experiencing is “normal” marital relations and she just needs to try harder, pray and submit more and stop pushing his buttons to set him off – that we all have our demons and have to struggle with them and need to allow others to struggle with theirs. Sure, these cycles of abuse have become normal – BUT THEY ARE NOT BIBLICAL and I challenge us that we are not handling them biblically.
Pastors, elders, Christian counselors and lay people alike unintentionally heap more abuse on the the abused in this situation by encouraging them to continue to love, forgive and sacrifice for the abuser with the hope that this outpouring of grace and mercy will lead them to repentance. Not that any of these things are wrong for they are Biblical and need to be done…but in the right biblical manner. Furthermore, by not taking sides with the abused…the church ends up indirectly siding with the abuser – again heaping yet more abuse on the woman. A poignant part to this is, speaking from experience, many women know this is the stand toward abuse at large from the church and therefore avoid bringing the church into the matter.
The church mistakenly approaches these type of relationships as if both parties are 50/50, each equally responsible for the misery that they both apparently suffer from in their marriage. That the “victim” must do whatever he/she can to maintain the sanctity of marriage no matter what because, unless they have been cheated on, they have no grounds for a biblical divorce. That the church at large says, “saving the marriage at the cost of the souls involved in the marriage is the highest priority.” That staying together for the sake of the kids is the best thing possible for our society. However, I do challenge the church at large that this is NOT what the God says about His design of marriage. And I keep hearing God ask me to say this, “Are we putting marriages above God? Are we making marriage an idol?”
(Note: I do believe that small pockets of the church are starting to wake up to the detriments of this belief and the tide is slowly changing thanks to some very, very brave souls that are out there educating and training.. yet, by-in-large, this belief is still what I hear from the majority of the church.)
The bible is not quiet on the tragedy of oppression and abuse. It was quite common in biblical times…it just has a different face in modern America. We don’t have “slaves” or “bondservants” according to what we know to be the meaning of these words; yet I challenge us to broaden our definition and understanding of these terms. If we do, I believe we will see that 25% is truly a low statistic for the number of “bondservants” within our communities, our churches, on our street.
I have come to believe that many perpetrators “hide” out within the church, hide out in our young adult groups, knowing that divorce is generally not the option that will result from their actions…knowing there are young and naive, good souls for them to prey on. Hiding out in our divorce help groups knowing they can prey on the wounded souls they will find there. Again, the travesty is the bible is very clear on how we are to prevent and even react to situations within our own church family…yet we don’t follow God’s words thru the apostle Paul:
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God – having A FORM of godliness but denying its power. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
They (these people described above) are the kind who worm their ways into homes and gain control of weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.”
2 Timothy 3:1-7
Paul clearly tells the church not to be deceived into thinking, “It couldn’t happen to them, not their church.” That when these type of people do come in and their actions become “clear to everyone,” we as the church are to have nothing to do with them. We are told back in Matthew 18 how to figure out if they are truly this type of person (note: I believe the use of him/his/he is in the unisex):
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, TREAT HIM AS YOU WOULD A PAGAN OR TAX COLLECTOR.”
Matthew 18:15-17
The capitalized words, in my understanding as a lay person, is that we are to treat these people who call themselves followers of Christ not as followers, not even as unbelievers – but as those that need to be cast off from the body of believers. They are not to receive the benefits of the church, the instruction and fellowship of other believers. That they should be “cast out” of the church and allowed to suffer their consequences of their unrepentant sin, with hopes that this suffering will eventually bring them back to repentance and a truly changed life.
Yet, in our politically correct society that has infiltrated the teachings of God – we do not do this for we fear man more than God… perhaps we fear being sued by that individual that was cast out; or fear that we aren’t taking that persons side of the story into account enough, not giving them enough grace and mercy (this is more secular psychology than biblical theology). We are afraid to be the “parent” and to draw the boundary line for them that desperately needs to be drawn for their own salvation.
Yet, in our politically correct society that has infiltrated the teachings of God – we do not do this for we fear man more than God… perhaps we fear being sued by that individual that was cast out; or fear that we aren’t taking that persons side of the story into account enough, not giving them enough grace and mercy (this is more secular psychology than biblical theology). We are afraid to be the “parent” and to draw the boundary line for them that desperately needs to be drawn for their own salvation.
One caveat to this this function of the church in relation to abuse: An abused woman or man is so distraught and confused about what is going on in their marriage, and whether they have suffered direct contact from their mate or not, they typically are so wounded by the verbal/emotional/spiritual/etc. abuse over the years that it is EXTREMELY hard for them to stand up to the abuser. If the abused doesn’t know or doesn’t think she/he will have the support of the church – both emotionally and physically- someone that is extremely scared about even just their emotional safety will have a hard time proceeding doctrinally.
In closing, I will leave you with this to contemplate in regards to abusive people: While I have suffered much injustice in my life, I have always still held on to that silly, naive hope in man much like Anne Frank did in her last journal entry before she was marched off to her death. Her thought: humanity is really well meaning at heart.
In closing, I will leave you with this to contemplate in regards to abusive people: While I have suffered much injustice in my life, I have always still held on to that silly, naive hope in man much like Anne Frank did in her last journal entry before she was marched off to her death. Her thought: humanity is really well meaning at heart.
God completely burst this bubble of mine last night during my study…and for those of you like me, that are eternally hopeful in mankind – I wonder if God wants to challenge you as well? For if we cannot truly admit to ourselves and each other that WE ARE ALL CORRUPT at our very core by what God calls sin, then we have no hope of ever tackling the problem of the abuse of power in our own communities. If we don’t teach our children and young adults:
- that all people are inherently selfish
- that we need to train them to look for what they see others do with this selfishness in order to realistically evaluate a future relationship with them
- to test what one says against the actions they take,
- and most importantly to put their full trust not in the goodness of humanity but in the GREATNESS of God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow
we will be doing what James warns us about,
“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”
James 4:17
Well said, RealMama.
I especially liked the comment “someone that is extremely scared about even just their emotional safety will have a hard time proceeding doctrinally.”
That’s so true. Many victim-survivors don’t even know the doctrinal principles by which they can/should proceed. But even when they know the doctrinal principles that you outlined above, they will be probably be so scared and exhausted they will not be able to act on them.
Your readers might like to check out my site notunderbondage.com for further resources on dealing with domestic abuse in a Christian context.
God bless you for your work.
Thanks Barbara for leaving your comment! Yes, I am definitely going to be talking about your book and the life saving information God used in it in my situation. For my readers, I will be giving you links to this book as well other books that helped me unwind myself from the web of relationship oppression!