I promised the 2nd part of Jumpin’ Jesus…however, the last 24 hours has once again put me thru the ringer…emotionally and physically. Besides having a great weekend with friends and practicing my Zumba…this is what I faced since this time last night:
* Sat thru a talk where Nancy & John Ortberg gave a real look into marriage – and came out thinking things like, “This is why I never want to do that again…” and, “It really sucks when you decide to finally be real in your marriage but the other isn’t really looking for that…” A wise woman told me today that divorce is like a death…and with that you never know when it will hit you and with what force…this was helpful in a weird but true way.
* Got a call from my kid’s father saying that my youngest was in the ER with a broken leg….Now I know broken legs do mend – for my first child had one at 20 months or so. Yet, having to see such a young one on a huge bed; having to carry them inside to bed and around every where when you are used to seeing them running; hearing them ask you to take off the cast and that they want to walk…it just does something to a mother’s heart strings I cannot describe.
* Lastly, I got an email from a dear friend who is struggling with her health right now…and my heart is so heavy for her and her family. It makes me want to scream at God…makes me wish I had more time and more energy for her and her family…makes me wish I knew just what to say to make it all better, or at least make her laugh…makes me wish I could just take it all away.
Needless-to-say, the thrill of the weekend I had had up until early last night was definitely gone by this morning. I found myself continually fighting that feeling of sinking into a depressive state…becoming unproductive and just a big blob of human cells. All day I was challenged to continually fight those negative voices in my head. You know the ones…the ones that say things to you like,
“You might as well just give up now. You don’t have the drive and determination to make that career change/start the new business/help your friends succeed/etc. You know what they say about you behind your back…”
“You know it’s true that you won’t find love again…not the love that you crave and seek. You should have kept what you had…it might not have been love but it’s better than having nothing.”
“Did you really think you had what it takes to be someone special…someone who stands out in the crowd? Think again.”
“You’ll never be a good mother/father, friend, wife/husband, etc. You might as well not try…just crawl back into your ‘shell/hole’ and give up already.”
Err…just trying to write those out are painful. I KNOW I am not the only one that has these awful, damaging and completely false words going thru my head…even though they (the voices) would like me to think I am the only one. Sometimes I recognize those voices from people I have known in my past…but most of the time the voices show up disguised as my own…not an ugly or taunting voice, but a “friendly” voice that I know well…one of “reason” and “common sense”, one that just wants “to help”.
A few years ago, I wonder if I even realized I was having these thoughts permeate my brain. I am sure I heard them going around in my head…but maybe not on a conscious level. I certainly wouldn’t have tied them to the fact that I was feeling so glum, do depressed and anxious and worried. I would have just looked at those events I mentioned above as the culprit and the guilty party for my depression. I would have said that because of those events happening to me – I am depressed and I have no ability to control that. I would have let the happenings in my life totally drive me into utter despair and disrepair.
However, I have learned a great deal in these last years…
….I have learned that my feelings are NOT dictated by the events in my life – but by the thoughts I have ABOUT the events.
….I cannot avoid the events in my life that are going to cause me pain, suffering and heartache.
HOWEVER
….I can learn to change my thought patterns about those events
…..allowing me to both honor the pain these events bring me – but also realize the events do not have to make or break me…they do not define me and who I am.
….I can CHOOSE to either wallow in despair, to let my feelings overtake me and tell me how to live my life….or to take every thought captive and make it obedient to what I know is true, right, pure and good.
I know – oh how I know this is so much easier said than done for most of us. After putting the kids to sleep, I was cleaning up the kitchen and listening to music…and that ol’ “comfortable” feeling in the pit of my stomach was calling to me…it was stronger than I have felt it in a long while. Like a fire disguised as a friend – she was beckoning me to join her, wanting me to allow my self to hang out in the warmth of familiarity – to join in on the “whoa is me” mantra and ranting on about how much I have suffered and how life is unfair.
Yet, I have learned this “friend” is really the fire…waiting to consume my thoughts, my growth, my healing and pull me back down her long tunnel into the miry pit of hell. Thankfully, I was able to recognize her…call her out and start attacking the thoughts she was wrongly telling me to think.
Of course I want to leave you with an example of how you to can start talking back to these negative thoughts, putting those “friendly, familiar” voices in their place so that you can take full charge of your mind – and thus your body and heart. Here are a few things that helped me…you can certainly choose from my list…or take 5 minutes and make your own list to refer to that will help you when the voices start to creep in.
* Earlier today, I posted this on my FB page – and is a nice thing to reread!:
Putting into practice what I preach…trying to find my reason to Practice Joy today after a difficult night at church and then finding out one of little guys had broken their leg…I am still seeing reasons to be thankful. This little one is sitting next to me playing and trying to figure out what in the world is going on with the leg :-), grateful I have friends all over the world to pray and encourage me at just the touch of a keyboard…and great music thru Pandora to encourage my soul. Life is never easy…but there is always a brighter side to look at right? Praying your day is off to a better start than mine…and if not, what are you going to do today to end on a good note?
* I started to look around my home and see the accomplishments and progress I had made in organizing my life this weekend. I have finally gotten my paperwork all filed and put away, pictures and mirrors hung, etc.; I successfully documented my Big 5 for Life and for 2012 (yippee my new year’s resolutions – which I think I have done like 1 time in my life – are done!); I made a visual display of my life mapping out those Big 5 items along with other versus and promises I have heard God give me. Being a kinesthetic and visual person – this was a great project for me to do..and it is big enough to get in the way and get my attention hopefully every day! Here is a glimpse for you in case you need a springboard. All of this helped me put those voices that don’t want me to succeed at anything to rest – at least for now.
* I did my PUSH homework. This is a new book coming out by Chalene Johnson – a big fitness professional in the infomercial world. I have to admit, I was really skeptical at front…not being fan of fitness and infomercial in the same sentence. I do not like to be over-sold on anything…yet a new friend – Shannon Fable – encouraged me to give it a shot since it might help me develop Practice Joy into what I am envisioning. From a personal standpoint – though – this is one of those perfect timing things. The first 10 days is all about identifying your life priorities, setting goals and how to actually work towards them. Today – day 3 – we had to find our PUSH goal out of our 10 goals for the year from yesterday. A simple exercise…but having the accountability and excellent team leader (Shannon) – it definitely got my wandering mind back on focus and realigned with my life priority I made for myself in day 1. If you need some help getting your life on track – I definitely encourage you to check it out!
* Not allowing myself to sit around feeling sorry for myself tonight…or even relaxing into a movie and folding laundry – UNTIL I had been honest with myself about my thoughts and the correlated feelings…and that is what you are reading now. Of course, you don’t have to do it for the entire world to see…but I would encourage you to find at least one other friend or counselor that you can share you journaling and/or thoughts with so they can help you see how wrong and unrealistic they truly are!
* And last but not least – I am heading to bed early tonight. For I know that a good night’s rest – if possible due in part to the kiddos – will help clear my head, my body and my heart…so that tomorrow I can again refocus and recommit to Practicing Joy with all of you!
